I very recently made contact with a person from my past. A person who has caused so, so much grief to me in the past year, and who, although maybe not entirely by his own doing, has made me doubt my identity and caused me so much confusion that I sometimes don't know myself anymore, nor do I trust much my instincts.
It's probably unfair to accuse a single person all that, but I remembered being very carefree and gung-ho about life before. These days, I tend to just go with the flow, not having too much future plans, and being rather cautious with my opinions.
Our encounter, however, seems to be the closure that I need. I think I have spent a considerable amount of time, locked in my head and my thoughts, and generally not being too optimistic about life. I now learnt that things are better off this way, and that no matter the amount of hurt he has caused me, I needed this to move on. And to sympathize that he is still grappling in his own darkness, clawing his way out.
It was nice reconnecting though. One thing that came out of it was that I realised how nice it was just being friends: no expectations, no drama, just peaceful bantering and quiet conversations. I know things may not return to all that, after all that has happened, but I do know that I am still that friend he has, a year-plus back.
I am still me. Maybe not as bubbly as I once was, sobering up a little as i turn 30, and toning down (not body unfortunately) the loudness (although my laughter these days have gotten a wee bit louder, hopefully it's all sincere) and the konon witty sarcasm. I have also come to realise that sometimes it's not all about looks, personality, intelligence, or whatever. Sometimes, it is just circumstances, or what we usually forget in our pursuit: Fate. It's the way our stories are written. We don't know why things happened the way it did, but we just have to roll with what's thrown to us. God is the Almighty All-Knowing, so I will put more faith in my daily doings and just try my best to have a good life.
I don't know what will come out of this. Highly probably, nothing. But I'm glad it happened. I'm glad I was given the chance to see things clearly now, and I understand better now. In a way, I pity him. We all have our demons and the exercise of exorcising them can be extremely tiring, and I can see the toll it has taken on him. But he's a strong one. If my faith in him stands, I know he'll emerge one day a much, much better person. Someone to be proud of.
My feelings? Hard to say. But let's just say this has given me that push to really, really embrace my life, giving it the best and going all out to reach my goals. I have a few (funny how our goals tend to change shapes after major events of our lives) and I still suck at believing fully in my own potential and capability, but I'm going to give it my best, insya-Allah. And let the rest fall in between the lines of that story God has written for me.
Ooh, but the clincher has gotta be: Listening to the very song that was used as his ringtone came on the radio during our car ride...Thanks Big Guy *rolls eyes heavenward*
