Plans, plans, plans.

Blue moon,
you saw me standin' alone
Without a dream in my heart,
without a love of my own

- Frank Sinatra’s & Ella Fitzgerald’s “Blue Moon” -

I’m intending to bake blueberry muffins on Sunday..wish me luck! I don’t know why, of all the things that I could have cooked/ baked, I chose blueberry muffins. Perhaps, it was from sampling some during the buffet breakfast at a hotel in Kuching that I stayed in last week, that conjures up an image of fluffy, warm and *hopefully* satisfying cushions of cake, splattered with midnight blue berries, that has lingered in my mind this week.

I’ve yet to find an appropriate recipe (which does not call for buttermilk, because I don’t know how on earth I’m ever going to find buttermilk in Shah Alam), nor do I know where to procure juicy blueberries (dried ones can aa?), but by jove, I shall make them blueberry muffins, even if it maims me in the process!

Then again, I shall be meeting up with Intan and Amy for a session of currypuffs making tomorrow, so, err, if all else fails, at least I’d have achieved something this weekend *grins*.

Not to mention the mini reunion buka puasa that I’ll be going to on Sunday.
What to do on Monday? Hmm, I’ve half a mind to go check out SSF’s latest Home/ Furnishing place *like the makcik I can be*, but then, I don’t have enough dough to purchase myself anything that’s labelled as furniture. Or I could go for a spa session…hmmm….makruh tak? Hehe..I have been meaning to try out the treatments at the Jentayu Spa in Damansara Heights. The last time I went was in 2007, right after almost 10 tiring days of travelling across China. The foot bath/massage was superb, as was the body massage. The ambience was peaceful (although I could hear two ladies gossiping in the next treatment room) and relaxing. Plus, the cremebath was almost to die for. I don’t know where else can we get cremebath here in KL.

Btw, the best cremebath I had (the second one ever pun actuallynyer, haha) was in Jakarta earlier this year, in a tiny spa, very near Hotel Cipta, next to the Bersih Sehat spa. It was done by this sweet guy, who, despite his delicate size, managed to yield tiny moans of ecstacy from me, as he kneaded my shoulders, back and arms. Ooh, best…

Or I could finish up some work that I’m intending to bring home..urghh..hmm, maybe to the Subang PaRam later? That's not an entirely bad idea...

Reaching out.

I've been roaming around always lookin down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that I could use somebody

- Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody” -

I went to my first tarawikh session last night. Something I was looking forward to in the past few months.

Initially, I intended to postpone my debut this year, due to my semi-bad cough, which I thought, would put some of the jemaah in fear of contracting unwanted viruses, or God forbid, the dreaded AH1N1. Well, thank god I spent a good chunk of my Monday night in DEMC, for an impromptu blood test, which rendered me NEGATIVE of any H1N1 strains..yippee! however, I am on the 3rd level of antibiotics, due to the 2nd level one not working its magic enough. So the good doctor says, if this dosage does not work, we’d have to do it intravenously after this.

*Gulps* Dahla hari impromptu blood test tu, I was soo not ready to face a needle.

However, after a conversation with a dear friend the next night, I reminded myself that I really looked forward to going for tarawikh this year. So, I decided last night (almost on impulse, as I was ready to just lounge around in my nightie to watch Oprah), to don on a baju kurung, grab my telekung and a mask and a bottle of water and tag along my parents.

I’m still glad I did that. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t cough as much during the prayers, hence, no need for the mask. But instead of doing the 20 rakaats that my parents were accustomed to, they reduced it to the 8 ones, seeing my condition. Aww, ain’t that schweet?!

I’m looking forward to writing further blog posts, and have been inspired by several new ones I’ve discovered. I think, previously, I was just scared of what people would thought of me, hence reducing my mind to a blank whenever thinking up a post. I guess I still live in fear of what other people see me as.

Today I thought, why not just record daily going ons and thoughts like I used to do back in the older days? After all, the blogs that I’ve stumbled onto upon pun don’t feature overly profound articles or tales of adventures; just daily routines, thoughts and most importantly, titbits that they wish to share with their readers.

Plus, everybody has the right to judge, to think whatever they’d like to about other people. I keep telling myself that at the end of the day, what matters is what you think of yourself and how you treat others around you. I may not be an angel and a perfect person (yeah!), but I’m learning to be the better version of me. And to not be bothered by what other people think (much).

Another mantra I keep chanting to myself is: We cannot change certain situations that we face, but we can certainly change the way we adapt to or face the situation.

So, I’m going back to basics. Write about nonsense in my head, the things I say to myself, my daily ups and downs. I hope this will not be a hangat-hangat tahi ayam wish, but I do so miss writing.

Plus, it’s kinda in accordance to what I aim to do with my life now: live it straight, share joy and happiness and not sweat the small stuff. And to believe in my dreams over and over again.

Random Questions Part 1

My hand are shakin
From carryin this torch
From carryin this torch for you

- Sondre Lerche’s “My Hands Are Shaking” OST Dan In Real Life -

So, again, in the event of updating my nyawa-nyawa ikan blog and getting into my groove again, I shall just post random questions. I’m not sure if these questions would be a part of any series, but let’s take it one step at a time.

Just like how I’m taking my days.

Random Question No. 1:

What was the most memorable present that you’ve given your mom?

I know, I know…gila random kan? So shoot me. I used to be able to fling these kinda questions out and get an unexpected answer, but those days are long gone. So, this blog is the one thing still existing after 5 freaking years (sangatlah loyal ok), therefore, it has to bear the brunt of my need to vent and voice out. Ok, like do I even NEED to justify myself?! Note to self: no more cough medicine after midnight!

Anyhoo, the answer to that question, is actually this green coffee mug with maroonish paisley print all over it. I got that for her when I was 11/12 (can’t really remember the year actually). It was prolly the first present that I have ever chosen for her, ALL BY MYSELF. I still remember going off to Subang Parade with my late grandpa, where I bought it (with his help of course) from Parkson.

I don’t really remember why that mug stucked in my head while I thought up that question (hah! And she tells us she’s got no time!). I have given her numerous other things, ranging from pendants to wallets to caftans to handbags. Prolly because almost ten years after giving her that coffee mug, I would walk into her office and still see it sitting prettily on her table, filled with her choice of drink that day. It may not be the most glamorous item ever, and yet it fulfilled its purpose till the very end.

Remembering that just gives me a certain glow (I know, gila cliché kan?) inside. I never did found out what happened to that mug. When my mom returned home on the last day of her job, it didn’t come along with her. I hope, true to my mom’s nature, it is serving it’s purpose in a pantry somewhere in her old office.

Random Question No. 2:

What would you do if you found out that you are going to die in a week’s time?

Haha. Sajer. :p

Well, despite my extremely shallow ibadah and the fact that my sins are so the berkoyan-koyan, I will not spend the last week of my life, sitting on my prayer mat, begging for forgiveness. Oh, but of course I will beg for forgiveness, in my daily prayers, which I hope to not miss (let’s hope I would not be having my period during the last week of my life then!), and privately, I guess, in between my daily thoughts. I believe that as much as taubat nasuha would tip the scales for me during that week, my past deeds, actions and words would come in handy as well. Therefore, I would choose not to worry about that (too) much, and, leave it all to the Almighty.

My debts? Well, for the major ones, I guess I would sell off whatever assets I can, and try to settle them. I haven’t as many (yet) so, I hope I’ll be able to settle them off so as not to burden my family. What I’m more concerned about is those minor debts. Those coins I used to borrow from a close friend in primary school. That one particular book that I borrowed from my school library, but just cannot bear to part with (till now!). All those verbal promises I made to my loved ones. I guess that would be my biggest worry.

Yes, I would love to spend the last of my days with my loved ones. Yet, I think it is also time for me to be alone. To just think over my life, celebrate my triumphs, courage and strength quietly, and to give myself time to totally forgive myself for not being the person I thought I should be. Ok laa, I give myself a day for that hehe.

I would also love to view the Almighty’s creations up close. I think before I die, I would love to see mountains. Or perhaps glaciers. Tapi, adakah sempat untuk travel to go see icebergs?! Haha, journey je dah 3 hari haha! But mountains, that’s a must. Just to remind myself of what I have missed while life passes me by.

Lastly, go home, and cuddle up to my loved ones, try to retain their scent and touch in my mind. For I hope those would be that last things that lingers before I finally shut my eyes.

Random Question No. 3:

Kalau a conversation with the mommy goes like this:

Mom : Jangan mandi malam!

Self : NAK! (Nada menjerit, kerana menjerit from room). (Then in a softer, meeker tone) Nak sikit…

Mom : Ya Allah..(in a resigned tone kerana tahu anaknya akan buat jugak),

Menderhakakah namanya?

Ok, I have no answer to that, because I just did that earlier on tadi. Whoopsies.