That’s what you get for playing with fire

Dan bila kau menghilang
Musnah la, musnah impian
tuk menggapai bintang
terangi hidup ku
Ku mahu kau tahu
engkaulah, destinasiku
dalam ingatanku .. oh oh oh…

- Bunkface’s “Situasi” -

You get burnt.

To a crisp.

I didn’t know what I expected. I didn’t know why I did what I did. I didn't even know why it exactly even happened.

All I know was that I was going with the flow, letting the currents take me to wherever it went.

Drowning me.

But I’m supposed to be used to this, right? Because this always happened.

But that still does not make the pain hurt any less.

Digging myself a deeper grave.

Siapa
sebenarnya aku padamu
mungkin sama dengan teman lain
yang bisa kau buat begitu
dan bila
tiada lagi teman bermain
kau pulang tuk dapatkan aku
itulah aku…padamu

- Faizal Tahir’s ‘Cuba’ –

Ouch.

Last Sunday I went for a friendly small paintball game. All in in line with this year’s silent resolution to be more sociable and to widen my circle of friends. Twas fun, and I did meet new, nice people. This Friday, I’ll be attending a soiree organized by people I don’t really know very well, but they’ve been sweet enough to throw me one.

I need to do this. Before I ruin myself with intoxication.

And empty dreams.

Whether with or without

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

-Alanis Morrisette’s ‘That I would be good” –

This is actually one of my most favourite melancholic songs. I always feel melancholy on rainy Saturday afternoons. It helped that the house is empty and that the only sounds I can listen to are the padding of my own footsteps and the near-silent whirring of the overhead fan. It helped that I kept myself busy by folding te laundry and editing my sister’s thesis. It helped that the neighbourhood is a relatively quiet one, with nary a screaming toddler or a barking dog.

What did not help were earlier encounters. And thoughts tinged with envy.

Bad habits are hard to break.

But break, they must.

And then, it's done

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

- Damien Rice's "The Blower's Daughter" -

From the Webster online dictionary -

Platonic love :
a pure, spiritual affection, subsisting between persons of opposite sex, unmixed with carnal desires, and regarding the mind only and its excellences; - a species of love for which Plato was a warm advocate.

So, there it is.

I'm done.

When it can all be so easy

Oh, I can't break away,
I must have you ev'ry day;
As regularly as coffee or tea.
You've got me in your clutches,
And I can't break free;
You're getting to be a habit with me.

- Diana Krall's "You're Getting To Be a Habit With Me" -

"I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. (pause a moment)
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

- Meet Joe Black -

I had a loong conversation with this guy, who used to date one of my closest friends. Despite what happened between them, I guess, over the years, I learned to accept him as what he is, and sometimes, look forward to our rare conversations. I like to pick his brain and ask him questions, just to listen to what he thinks.

I've gotten some answers to a few questions that I have been pondering myself. And I've learnt a thing or two about handling people, emotions and myself. I've learnt a thing or two about being one-half of a unit, and the absolute happiness that he derived from it. I think I now know what is needed, what I can tolerate and what I can let go. And that yes, people DO change.

I like to think that I walk away from the office today, feeling lighter from the burden I have lifted off and heavier with the wisdom I've received.

Reeling myself in.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

- O.A.R.'s "Shattered" -

Yesterday I sent out a message to my closest friends, asking for suggestions on how I should celebrate my birthday this year. Last year I was knee deep in my cousin’s wedding preparations, and since this year it comes with its own mini holiday, I thought of doing something a little extra special. Plus my parents are not big on celebrating birthdays and since those two monkeys have gone, we just don’t celebrate anything anymore. Except for nightly chat sessions. Yeah.

Thank you for the replies people. Among them are:

Booze party
(Spelled boose yer, coming from someone who’s leaving to work for an international organization. I shudder at the thought of editing his reports, like the snob I can be.)

Foam party
(yeah, from the Shhboy, what else would I have expected? *rolls eyes* he’s currently going through a mini depression, so his already weng mind just got elevated to a new state of weng-ness)

Bbq party/ Poolside party/ Bbq-poolside party
(Thanks to the gorgeous doctor who recommended this and offered her place lagi. However, am not the bash throwing type, especially if it involves cleaning up sans my runaway maid)

Semua party, party, party. I think I’m more of the sopan, open-houses type la, I don’t comprehend the fun factor of foam, booze or pools. Although I did google the swimsuit that Miranda wore in the SATC movie (because kalau nak bergaya, I would want to look like that, minus the urrm, fuzz :p) because I loooooove it! It’s a Norma Kamali Bill swimsuit that costs USD 300 plus a pair *gulps*.

Some gems included:

Go for a short holiday: Bali, Phuket and even Kelantan was mentioned. I did log on to the relevant websites and nearly passed out at ticket prices and started to knock my head on the walls for being dumb enough to make plans earlier.

Go for a nice dinner with dancing or live performances, karaoke and movie: Hmm, tame ;) but very doable.

Pamper myself at a spa: Not sure if this constitutes something special enough, but a lovely idea nonetheless.

So, I conjured something up. Nothing much, just an evening out in the city with my BFFs (idea masih in frameworks ye). Till the Diva dropped the bomb.

He won’t be around as he’ll be attending a course.

There goes my birthday celebrations.

*sigh*

I’m sorry for not including anyone else in, just that I think people with families might want to spend time with their families instead of me. Yup, self-esteem at an all new low again.

I guess, lately, I just feel a little suffocated. I need to get away for a bit, but it doesn’t seem feasible. As all things seem unfeasible when you can’t think straight for annoyance.

Then again, when I think about what’s going on in Gaza at the moment, I feel ashamed of myself. People are fighting for their lives out there, and all I’m concerned about is celebrating my birthday?!

I still have no idea on what to do during that mini holiday, though. Last year I spent it repenting, haha.

However, there is this “attractive” idea that a senior colleague presented me yesterday, which entails working non-stop till mid-February, serving the country in the office and all that. Tempting, no?

After the night

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

-The Moldy Peaches’s “Anyone Else But You” -

I t may not be a perfectly symbiotic or synergistic relationship, but it’s there.

I’m not sure if it stems from loneliness or the lack of attention, but it’s there.

But what is certain, the available pockets of time that I used to have is now filled. With unwelcomed and welcomed interactions.

Who am I kidding, of coursela welcomed :)

This is not something that I foresee will extend very far into the future, but I’m going to let it ride for as long as it will last.

For whatever it’s worth.

I think I owe you a drink next

Sounds straight from the twilight
Has me up all night I can't
Fall asleep coz I keep thinking of you
And I saw a shadow, outside my window
And it's you!

- Estrella’s “Stay” -

Less than 10 days into the year and already I’m getting a lot of life lessons. From someone unexpected pulak tu. Hmm….

So, I rechristen this year as my learning year; the year where I learnt where I went wrong, how I can improve and how to take AAALLL the criticism in.

Which is not easy, as I mentioned to him, we eldest child folks are used to getting what we want. Albeit not as easily as the youngest one, but we do have one advantage: we inspire FEAR. Hehehe…

It’s quite refreshing having a new voice to listen to these days. It might not be saying the things that I want it to, but more of unsolicited opinions that I need, to understand myself and the world better. Unfortunately, it has also open me up to a different world that I am still trying to comprehend. But I’ll try to remain as unprejudiced and tolerant as possible, and hope that this too, will bring more valuable life lessons.

I’ve gotten in touch with a few people this week. All in my efforts to reach out to more friends. Not as easy as I thought, but give me some time to warm up my engines. I think I’m gonna face a big hurdle next: meeting up so-called gempak people to socialize. I shudder at the thought and at my insecurities.

I’m thinking of having my hair highlighted la. Just to try it out and as a birthday present. Yes, I am turning vengt-nuit in less than a month, so I thought I’d give myself a treat. I would LOVE to instead go away to a beach somewhere to celebrate it, but am trying to be a little bit more economical. Not sure if the hair treatment would cost any lesser though.

And I’m trying to record my thoughts here, yet again. I miss writing and I think my grasp on it is getting atrocious. Eeks!

It’s Friday and as Fridays go, I should be up to something tonight. I have in mind a cosy dinner with my BFFs at the swankiest roadside stall this side of PJ or an elegantly cosy but definitely pricey sojourn to Alexis to listen to some music. Something I’ve done a few times and have enjoyed immensely. Have not tried it in a baju kurung though. Think I should?

Aah, where would we be without our friends eh?

Usir semua

Kutuliskan kesedihan
Semua tak bisa kau ungkapkan
Dan kita kan bicara dengan hatiku

- Nidji’s ”Hapus Aku” -

Dah berapa kali nak cakap…

Kalau bukan milik kita, usah dilayan khayalan dan kenangan...

The powers that be in the office has blocked my YM. Am antsy as can be.

And to start the new year with…

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough…

- Nickelback’s “Gotta Be Somebody”-

Aah, susahnya nak jaga hati orang…

Other than becoming a semi-permanent fixture in my life for the next few months as I see it, not only he comes with his own baggage, he is also emotional to boot. And apparently, I don’t hold other people’s emotions very well, as I’ve discovered post our 2 am conversation.

Of course I went introspective again. Delve into myself and all that. And finally, I came up with:

Yes, I am emotionally distant and yes, ties with people have been affected by that cripple.

*sigh*

I guess it’s back to making random calls now, bertanya khabar and all. I do enjoy doing that once, but I guess as other people progress and evolve, I always tell myself that my presence would just be intruding. And apparently, judging by our conversation over lunch, that is something that I’ve got to overcome.

So, he gave me a challenge.

“You decide”

And, I guess, I will have to start doing so then.