Tapi malam-malamku masih diselimuti pertanyaan

Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

- Gavin Rossdale’s “Love Remains The Same” -

In reflection, this year has been a pretty weird and volatile year with loads of ups and downs for me. Almost on a daily basis. I have always thought that work-wise, the year would start out pretty slowly and activities would build up from March onwards. Typically, my busiest months would start out from April right to maybe around November. I was prepared mentally for that, and physically, I was quite motivated to follow an exercise regime that I had planned. Life-wise, I was only prolly looking forward to another overseas trip and many, many fun sessions with friends.

As it turns out, God has other plans for me. This year was a right roller coaster. From the deaths of my cousin and grandmother, to my surgery which saw me took almost 2 months off from work, from the departure of my BFFs, to new responsibilities, from the new division that I was transferred to, to the new colleagues that I had to befriend, and the new people that I’ve met and established ties. Not to mention, to my yo-yoing weight.

I am still dazed, and lately, back in my contemplative mood. I am an advocator of deciding how you should live your lives and how each decisions you made is something that you should live with, because you had made it *hopefully* with a clear mind and conscience. But, I’m finding it hard to follow what I preach. Because, I am not so sure of my own decisions anymore. And yet, I know I have to swallow it up, suck it in and march with confidence. Because that’s the only way to get through life.

I think I was more stubborn this year, yet flexible enough to allow strangers into my life. Case in point: I am still not as willing to follow my friend’s advices on all relationship matters, but have let people like Mr. Johnny Walker and Mr. GND into my life.

I think I’m a little bit more fearless this year, yet I’m not willing to let go off the things I know that anchors me. Case in point: I have flirted shamelessly *or so I thought* and unfortunately, I have no more plans *in the short-medium run* of leaving this place anymore. I know, no correlation whatsoever between those two.


I have spent and spent and budgeted and budgeted at the same time. Case in point: My beloved overseas purchases, but am still not willing to splurge on a much needed facial. Or a proper vehicle service.

I have cried (in pain and at losses), laughed (with glee and at funny instances), ached (heart and other parts of the anatomy), flirted (with random people and Mr Johnny Walker), pined (for Mr. Johnny Walker), scolded (my dancers and myself), grumbled (about inefficiencies and insensitivity), bitched (about most everything), bossed (my new staff around), screamed (with joy among new colleagues and in frustrations), whined (at state of being), primped (for functions and on a daily basis), entertained (people I want to impress and myself) and loved like never before.

I had made rash decisions and acted impulsively. I have learnt about depth of characters and shallowness of thoughts. I have learned to be humble and also, to be proud of my mini achievements which I have poured sweats and tears into. I have learnt that no matter how high you put a person on a pedestal, at the end of the day, he is only human and requires love, affection and attention as much as the next person. I have also learnt the virtue of a healthy self-esteem and will resolve to build one for the future. Most importantly, I have also learnt that no matter how many friends are listed in your facebook page, the one that matters are only a handful. And that this handful, will be there at every step of your life. It doesn’t matter if they’re cheering you on or not, what matters is that they’re there.

I have also learnt that through adversities, calamities and disasters, there’s always, always, always a hikmah. A silver lining. It may take its own sweet time in coming, but it’s there. And when you find, see or realise it, you can actually hear it “click” when it fits into the jigsaw puzzle of your life.

The end of a year still is the best time to reminisce and contemplate your life, to see where you have been and where you think you’re going to. I think I am currently in a place where it requires me to keep a level head and yet, be a little bit adventurous, and not lose that streak of quirkiness. I don’t know where I’m heading to next, but I do hope and pray that the New Year will bring new promises. As it always have.

Yes, it goes without saying.

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old

- Robbie William’s “Angel” -

That 3 am conversation just about unleashed a dam full of vulnerability. I thought that I’ve managed to contain myself well all this while, never needing to resort to anyone, or anything to keep me occupied. I don’t know why I allow myself to get this way and why, even after 24 hours, I can’t seem to settle down and find that happy place.

All I want to do is go home to an empty house, play the piano and bury myself under the covers. And wait for the next 24 hours to come.