So it's back to my punching bag...

They're on to me
And I am scared to no end
Once I had the control
Rules were there to bend
But now they're on to me
And I don't know how to get out
The thought never crossed my mind
I've run out of time

- Ari Hest's "They're On To Me" -


I do feel at times that I'm not ready to be a proper adult yet. I know, at my age, that thought should not even dare to tiptoe into my mind, but yet, at times, I just don't want to be responsible. I don't want to be the one to provide the solutions. I don't want to be the one who keeps an eye out for anybody or anything.

On the other hand, when I concentrate on being an adult, shit happens. Like bad ones.

Like the other day when I was busy being a big sister. It was just a few days after coming back from a trip abroad. My brother and I were driving back from a function, and I took over at the wheel as he felt too sleepy to drive. And what happens? I fell asleep at the wheel, and ended up banging the car in front of me. And spent the rest of the weekend swimming in my own tears.

I blame the jet-lag, but mostly, I blame myself. I blame my stupidity, my arrogance and my incompetence. Then, I try to put the blame on my being jinxed with my mom's car. So I stopped driving it. And vow never to touch it, ever. That's me trying to be all adult about it, floods of tears notwithstanding.

And then, it happened again. I was trying to be all responsible, going back home early from work and all. Till that stupid white cat tried to get up from its reclining position in the middle of the road. Then I swerved. Hit the kerb, and almost went airborne. And I'm now saddled with a battered steed and a very, very bruised perspective of life.

I'm done being an adult for the day.

Nocturnal Turnings

Ku harungi hari demi hari
Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
Tapi hati masih tak terima
Ditinggalkan sengsara

- Anuar Zain's "Perpisahan" -

I received some very good advice today.

1. Do you know who would be able to teach your kids the things you won't be able to? Their kids.

2. In order to gain some blessings in life, once in a while, share the prayer mat in prayers with your husband.

Two advices that does not apply to moi at the moment, but insightful, no?

And i learned another lesson cum bitter pill that I have to swallow today:

You CANNOT do everything. You may think you can (which you always do, despite the warning signals), but others might not think so. So, when that happens, bow out gracefully and allow others who are more capable to handle it. Perhaps, your forte is elsewhere. So, concentrate on being what you're good at.

*sigh* i miss you guys more and more over here. The other day, the motherly tea lady said kindly to me,

"Lain kali kalau nak minum kopi, datang la sini ye..."

It's been a long while since I was last pitied that way.

Someday my prince will come...

I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone

- Gavin Degraw's "More Than Anyone" -


So this 80's heartthrob was crooning away at this wedding I attended last night. He looked so dashing from where I was sitting, that I couldn't help gushing to the lady next to me.

Next thing I know, I was shaking his hand, and my dearest friend has told him that I would like a picture with him. I could scream at her there and then, but in my kebaya, that wouldn't have been appropriate. Plus, I might have scared him off. By the way, he didn't look so dashing off stage. Definitely aged, but the boyish charm was still there.

Then he puts his arm around my waist, and we smiled at the camera. We would have made a picture perfect couple, him in his black tux and me in my black ensemble. *sigh*

Then, wait, the best bit.

He said,

"You look very nice tonight"

I felt like one of my childhood dream has come true.

That tiny place

So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

- Josh Kelley's "Almost Honest" -

I have this song on the loop at the moment and whenever I have something melancholic on, I always feel like writing.

Unfortunately, time is really not a luxury that I own these days. Not exactly the most original of excuses, but a reflection of the state of my life recently.

My Life. As I go over the events that happened, and everything else in between, i am reminded of the joys of mini successes, the frustrations at every hiccup, the sadness at losses, the hopeful little prayers that I say to myself for what is to come and the sighs of resignation at all the tiny dreams that was blown away.

Blown away. My little fantasy world is a lovely place that I visit almost everyday. It is my tiny escape, filled with wonderful people and happy moments. Unfortunately, I do tend to rely on it a tad too often and too much. So much so that I try to will things to happen. Which, as we know, is not how fantasies work. When dreams get blown away, I vow to myself never to fall into the trap of believing them. And yet, I still do.

Again, and again...