C'est la vie. Pour qoi, ma vie, c'est belle.
Walaupun kau masih mencari cinta
jika kau berdusta kata
hancurlah segalanya
hatimu yang bersinar mencurah rasa
terima semuanya
dirimu yang punca bahagia
- Ziana Zain's, Nora's, Ning Baizura's and Dessy Fitri's "Di Akhir Garisan' -
Finally. It took me 27 years and an unanswered email to realise....
I think I'm pretty. Podgy, but pretty. *Podgy will have to take a back seat to today's topic*
Not drop dead gorgeous, head-turning, drool inducing, goddess-like beautiful.
But just...pretty enough.
Enough to be confident about meeting new people, enough to be chat with ease with perfect strangers, and enough to not look into the mirror and cringe.
I guess, being surrounded by pretty people all my life had me breeding internal insecurity. An inferiority complex, if you may. In retrospect, I've always thought of myself as the ugly one. In the family, among my friends, among my neighbours. Which was why, i developed an affinity for attention, and make myself as outgoing and cheerful as possible. Those were just my compensation for not being pretty enough, in my opinion at that time. I thought, hey, people are not going to notice me because I'm not pretty enough, so, let me make myself be heard instead.
And yes, I was heard by many, and I think the number of friends accumulated can be attested to that. However, that never shook off the insecurity I had about not being pretty enough. And let's face it, when you have a sister who's been getting Valentine's gift since the age of 10, you can't help but think that looks are everything, it gets you places and people. And pretty things. Like pink Guess jeans. Or a huge teddy bear.
In retrospect, I guess I'm grateful I went to an all girls school, where I didn't have to worry about behaving a certain way, or having a certain look, and this did help built up my confidence. In uni, my friends were gorgeous. I've always thought I was eclipsed by their blinding beauty and charming disposition. Nobody noticed me except for those who heard me. And thought I was interesting enough to be around with. But I never thought I was pretty, and the fact that I was single throughout the uni years solidified this notion I have that only the pretty ones get the guys. Whether the guys are a catch is a different story altogether though ;)
In the UK, one thing I remember learning was to smile properly into the camera, as we had lotsa picture taking session. I thought some of them turned out good, and I almost looked pretty in it. Again, podgy, but ok laa, you know?
Then I came to this place. And became best friends with this Diva who never fails to compliment me on a weekly basis. I just thought he, being the Diva he is, just wants me to return the compliment back. Again, and again, i brushed off his "You nampak cantik hari nie" with a sarcastic "Hari nie je??!!!". And my best buds here are an eligible nymph-like lady, and 2 really hot mamas. See a pattern developing here?
Then last week, I received a call from a person. We chatted and agreed to meet up for coffee. Then, silence.
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
Of course, it was back to the usual excuses then. "I know this kinda men, they're into trophy girlfriend, or are only interested in befriending the pretty ones". And "Oh, he must have seen a picture of me and went eww!". Too fat, too ugly, and the hair itself is a cry for help. And the unanswered email didn't help either.
I had 3 chats *you know how we girls love analysing these kinda situations kan*, and of course, all 3 cried out, "don't be silly!!", "he's prolly busy", or "he might have lost his hp". Endearing and comforting, although, we all know that's what we would say to a dork like me.
Finally, i thought about it. And thought, and thought. And I did come to a conclusion:
I think I'm pretty. Podgy, but pretty.
Not drop dead gorgeous, head-turning, drool inducing, goddess-like beautiful.
But just...pretty enough. *Will be a good excuse to get a little bit more vain than I already am*
So, thanks dude. I may never hear from you again, and I already think you're a semi bottom-dweller, but you've made me realise that I have that little something that I thought I've never had and will never have.
Good night peeps.
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