C'est la vie. Pour qoi, ma vie, c'est belle.
Walaupun kau masih mencari cinta
jika kau berdusta kata
hancurlah segalanya
hatimu yang bersinar mencurah rasa
terima semuanya
dirimu yang punca bahagia
- Ziana Zain's, Nora's, Ning Baizura's and Dessy Fitri's "Di Akhir Garisan' -
Finally. It took me 27 years and an unanswered email to realise....
I think I'm pretty. Podgy, but pretty. *Podgy will have to take a back seat to today's topic*
Not drop dead gorgeous, head-turning, drool inducing, goddess-like beautiful.
But just...pretty enough.
Enough to be confident about meeting new people, enough to be chat with ease with perfect strangers, and enough to not look into the mirror and cringe.
I guess, being surrounded by pretty people all my life had me breeding internal insecurity. An inferiority complex, if you may. In retrospect, I've always thought of myself as the ugly one. In the family, among my friends, among my neighbours. Which was why, i developed an affinity for attention, and make myself as outgoing and cheerful as possible. Those were just my compensation for not being pretty enough, in my opinion at that time. I thought, hey, people are not going to notice me because I'm not pretty enough, so, let me make myself be heard instead.
And yes, I was heard by many, and I think the number of friends accumulated can be attested to that. However, that never shook off the insecurity I had about not being pretty enough. And let's face it, when you have a sister who's been getting Valentine's gift since the age of 10, you can't help but think that looks are everything, it gets you places and people. And pretty things. Like pink Guess jeans. Or a huge teddy bear.
In retrospect, I guess I'm grateful I went to an all girls school, where I didn't have to worry about behaving a certain way, or having a certain look, and this did help built up my confidence. In uni, my friends were gorgeous. I've always thought I was eclipsed by their blinding beauty and charming disposition. Nobody noticed me except for those who heard me. And thought I was interesting enough to be around with. But I never thought I was pretty, and the fact that I was single throughout the uni years solidified this notion I have that only the pretty ones get the guys. Whether the guys are a catch is a different story altogether though ;)
In the UK, one thing I remember learning was to smile properly into the camera, as we had lotsa picture taking session. I thought some of them turned out good, and I almost looked pretty in it. Again, podgy, but ok laa, you know?
Then I came to this place. And became best friends with this Diva who never fails to compliment me on a weekly basis. I just thought he, being the Diva he is, just wants me to return the compliment back. Again, and again, i brushed off his "You nampak cantik hari nie" with a sarcastic "Hari nie je??!!!". And my best buds here are an eligible nymph-like lady, and 2 really hot mamas. See a pattern developing here?
Then last week, I received a call from a person. We chatted and agreed to meet up for coffee. Then, silence.
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
Of course, it was back to the usual excuses then. "I know this kinda men, they're into trophy girlfriend, or are only interested in befriending the pretty ones". And "Oh, he must have seen a picture of me and went eww!". Too fat, too ugly, and the hair itself is a cry for help. And the unanswered email didn't help either.
I had 3 chats *you know how we girls love analysing these kinda situations kan*, and of course, all 3 cried out, "don't be silly!!", "he's prolly busy", or "he might have lost his hp". Endearing and comforting, although, we all know that's what we would say to a dork like me.
Finally, i thought about it. And thought, and thought. And I did come to a conclusion:
I think I'm pretty. Podgy, but pretty.
Not drop dead gorgeous, head-turning, drool inducing, goddess-like beautiful.
But just...pretty enough. *Will be a good excuse to get a little bit more vain than I already am*
So, thanks dude. I may never hear from you again, and I already think you're a semi bottom-dweller, but you've made me realise that I have that little something that I thought I've never had and will never have.
Good night peeps.
Saturday, March 31, 2007 / 12:59 AM
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Sunday, March 25, 2007 / 10:33 PM
Put your retro glasses on
If you wanna be somebody
If you wanna go somewhere
You better wake up and pay attention
Hey...
- "Pay Attention" OST Sister Act 2 -
I want to be somebody...
I want to go somewhere...
But where?
And who is this person I want to be?
I always get fired up after reading something inspirational, or talking to someone with vision, determination and gumption. I'll realise that this world is so large and vast, and my ambitions are too miniscule. If I happen to have any at the moment. I'll realise that I have all this time and I'm not doing much to make full use of it and to benefit out of it. I want to be SOMEBODY, I want to go SOMEWHERE...
But where?
And who is this person I want to be?
I wonder if this is all there is to it. These day to day existence that seemed mundane in retrospect and seemed meaningless in its functions. And yet, these day to day existence is what keeps me going. It tells me that I'm doing something right, that I'm helping someone out there, and that I am making a difference, however tiny.
Isn't that enough? What more do I want? Isn't life, as they say, is what happens when you're too busy making plans?
I don't seem to be making any plans; I foresee a lifetime of regrets, and sometimes, I just don't care. I just want to live in the moment, enjoy what's around me, savour these minutes with whoever I'm with at the moment.
And yet...
I want to be somebody...
I want to go somewhere...
Think I need a mentor.
If you wanna be somebody
If you wanna go somewhere
You better wake up and pay attention
Hey...
- "Pay Attention" OST Sister Act 2 -
I want to be somebody...
I want to go somewhere...
But where?
And who is this person I want to be?
I always get fired up after reading something inspirational, or talking to someone with vision, determination and gumption. I'll realise that this world is so large and vast, and my ambitions are too miniscule. If I happen to have any at the moment. I'll realise that I have all this time and I'm not doing much to make full use of it and to benefit out of it. I want to be SOMEBODY, I want to go SOMEWHERE...
But where?
And who is this person I want to be?
I wonder if this is all there is to it. These day to day existence that seemed mundane in retrospect and seemed meaningless in its functions. And yet, these day to day existence is what keeps me going. It tells me that I'm doing something right, that I'm helping someone out there, and that I am making a difference, however tiny.
Isn't that enough? What more do I want? Isn't life, as they say, is what happens when you're too busy making plans?
I don't seem to be making any plans; I foresee a lifetime of regrets, and sometimes, I just don't care. I just want to live in the moment, enjoy what's around me, savour these minutes with whoever I'm with at the moment.
And yet...
I want to be somebody...
I want to go somewhere...
Think I need a mentor.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007 / 10:52 AM
How you guys doin?
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
- Muse's "Starlight"-
It has been a long, long while. Long enough for me to take a break from "work", and risk having this blog discovered by fellow colleagues, cuz i'm typing this out on the office laptop which I have been lugging back and forth to work due to my beloved office's pc failure. The only great thing out of this is that, I no longer feel obligated to stay back at work, as I am now able to BRING back my work home with me, and do it in front of the TV!!! Ah, what bliss! Actually, that is prolly how I best function. Staying back late at the office does have its perks, like being able to back out from the parking lot without worrying that you'll hit the other cars parked so closely behind you, or clearer traffic, or the freedom to play up the music, watch Jude Law clips and play Spider Solitaire in between breaks at my desk *altho', that just prolongs your time in the office a little bit more*. But, lately, I find that if I were to go back home early, say around 6.30p.m., I'll be able to have dinner with the family, take a nice shower, and plonk myself in front of the telly, all fresh to take on whatever it is i bring back home with.
What have I been up to? Well, loads, but nothing particularly significant. Well, the most significant one is prolly that I am able to introduce myself and tell a little something about my family in French.Which I am soo currently enjoying at the moment, although it's very very basic. My teacher is this petite lady who is so patient with us, and I have great classmates, the kind who lets you copy off their notes and whispers answers at you when you're stumped for one.
The YKLS thingy? Well, since it would have clashed with my French class, I decided to forgo it. Plus, on the day of the audition, I was too busy ogling my friend's new baby, and celebrating a departure of a friend to Japan. I was, however, involved *as I usually find myself to be* in the annual talent show for this place I work in. That was an experience, and juggling with being the secretariat for an important function at the same time, while being horrendously sick and all mucous-y did not help.
My best Totz gave birth to a baby girl :) of which I have yet to visit, cuz I am still recovering from this dreadful flu-cough thing i had. It actually gave me a scare last week when my handsome Pakistani doctor told me to get a blood test to confirmed no nasty Aedes mossies have infiltrated my blood streams. Thank god, the result was negative, but I'm still walking around feeling as if I've just got off a long boat ride, so I think it'll be a while before i resume my normal life.
Which includes Jazzercise. I was actually requested to train to become an Instructor...CAN U BELIEVE IT?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I STILL CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!! and well, after a few training hours, I find that I'm not able to muster enough motivation to stick with it, so I'm gonna have to throw the towel in. I am no instructor material, I'm more of the whiny participant who refuses to get up after one abs routine hehe.
Ooh, did i mention I went to Bandung with a bunch of whacked out girls? It turned out to be a great girly trip, what with the massive shopping, harassing cabbies, and rushing all over the tiny town. We managed to wipe out the contents of our purses, lugging home enough loot for all and sundry, and filled our handluggages with rows upon rows of Teh Botol hehe. Made friends with a towkay kedai kain who kept piling us with more and more kain, hurt our backs with carrying wedding invites that was made during our stay, had a luxurious spa treatment at Rogers *go there!*, bellyful of food, and cameraful of memories.
On the nuptial side *not mine*, met up with the charismatic Captain SN. Agreed to be a bridesmaid to my cousin *all the while mindful of "twice a bridesmaid, never a shussssshhhh"*, and 2 non-malay weddings to look forward to this year, which necessitates shopping for new outfits..yahoo! Oh, and lest my a friend accuses me of being kedekut kawan, let it be said that altho i don't seem to set high standards for myself *ahem* i happen to think very highly of my friends, and do not think that anyone I know would match them very well. Which is why, SshBoy, the idea of organizing a bbq to let my single friends mingle to kononnya hook up with you, while sounding highly ideal, is not something I think they might fall for. Err, unless they might. If they do can THEY email me personally so I can at least think about this idea seriously? But can I help it if my available guy friends are urrmm...not so delectable?
Hari-hari saya bermula dengan membaca semua email, menghabiskan satu round Spider Solitaire yang mana saya menang, dan melengkapkan crossword USA Today.
And then I think, what next?
Oh yeah.
Work.
p/s: I don't know if i'll be able to blog at work anymore, so expect more sporadic posts from now on. IF you're expecting anything.
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
- Muse's "Starlight"-
It has been a long, long while. Long enough for me to take a break from "work", and risk having this blog discovered by fellow colleagues, cuz i'm typing this out on the office laptop which I have been lugging back and forth to work due to my beloved office's pc failure. The only great thing out of this is that, I no longer feel obligated to stay back at work, as I am now able to BRING back my work home with me, and do it in front of the TV!!! Ah, what bliss! Actually, that is prolly how I best function. Staying back late at the office does have its perks, like being able to back out from the parking lot without worrying that you'll hit the other cars parked so closely behind you, or clearer traffic, or the freedom to play up the music, watch Jude Law clips and play Spider Solitaire in between breaks at my desk *altho', that just prolongs your time in the office a little bit more*. But, lately, I find that if I were to go back home early, say around 6.30p.m., I'll be able to have dinner with the family, take a nice shower, and plonk myself in front of the telly, all fresh to take on whatever it is i bring back home with.
What have I been up to? Well, loads, but nothing particularly significant. Well, the most significant one is prolly that I am able to introduce myself and tell a little something about my family in French.Which I am soo currently enjoying at the moment, although it's very very basic. My teacher is this petite lady who is so patient with us, and I have great classmates, the kind who lets you copy off their notes and whispers answers at you when you're stumped for one.
The YKLS thingy? Well, since it would have clashed with my French class, I decided to forgo it. Plus, on the day of the audition, I was too busy ogling my friend's new baby, and celebrating a departure of a friend to Japan. I was, however, involved *as I usually find myself to be* in the annual talent show for this place I work in. That was an experience, and juggling with being the secretariat for an important function at the same time, while being horrendously sick and all mucous-y did not help.
My best Totz gave birth to a baby girl :) of which I have yet to visit, cuz I am still recovering from this dreadful flu-cough thing i had. It actually gave me a scare last week when my handsome Pakistani doctor told me to get a blood test to confirmed no nasty Aedes mossies have infiltrated my blood streams. Thank god, the result was negative, but I'm still walking around feeling as if I've just got off a long boat ride, so I think it'll be a while before i resume my normal life.
Which includes Jazzercise. I was actually requested to train to become an Instructor...CAN U BELIEVE IT?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I STILL CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!! and well, after a few training hours, I find that I'm not able to muster enough motivation to stick with it, so I'm gonna have to throw the towel in. I am no instructor material, I'm more of the whiny participant who refuses to get up after one abs routine hehe.
Ooh, did i mention I went to Bandung with a bunch of whacked out girls? It turned out to be a great girly trip, what with the massive shopping, harassing cabbies, and rushing all over the tiny town. We managed to wipe out the contents of our purses, lugging home enough loot for all and sundry, and filled our handluggages with rows upon rows of Teh Botol hehe. Made friends with a towkay kedai kain who kept piling us with more and more kain, hurt our backs with carrying wedding invites that was made during our stay, had a luxurious spa treatment at Rogers *go there!*, bellyful of food, and cameraful of memories.
On the nuptial side *not mine*, met up with the charismatic Captain SN. Agreed to be a bridesmaid to my cousin *all the while mindful of "twice a bridesmaid, never a shussssshhhh"*, and 2 non-malay weddings to look forward to this year, which necessitates shopping for new outfits..yahoo! Oh, and lest my a friend accuses me of being kedekut kawan, let it be said that altho i don't seem to set high standards for myself *ahem* i happen to think very highly of my friends, and do not think that anyone I know would match them very well. Which is why, SshBoy, the idea of organizing a bbq to let my single friends mingle to kononnya hook up with you, while sounding highly ideal, is not something I think they might fall for. Err, unless they might. If they do can THEY email me personally so I can at least think about this idea seriously? But can I help it if my available guy friends are urrmm...not so delectable?
Hari-hari saya bermula dengan membaca semua email, menghabiskan satu round Spider Solitaire yang mana saya menang, dan melengkapkan crossword USA Today.
And then I think, what next?
Oh yeah.
Work.
p/s: I don't know if i'll be able to blog at work anymore, so expect more sporadic posts from now on. IF you're expecting anything.
|
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