Off to fix my heart
You really know where to start
Fixing a broken heart
You really know what to do
Your emotional tools
Can cure any fool
Whose dreams have fallen apart
Fixing a broken heart
- Indecent Obsession's "Fixing a Broken Heart"
Well, i'm off...
Adios for the next few weeks. I'll be with a bunch of * i hope* merry colleagues, trying to enjoy our time with Nature. I can't say that i'm looking forward to this, but at least, its a break. Maybe i'll come back refreshed, maybe i'll come back even more depressed. Then again, maybe i can come up with more positive-sounding entries by then. Thanks anyways for those who played a part in cheering me up lately. I do have a few things lined up for me when i get back nanti, so i plan to get to it and nail them down. There's the big 3 i've jotted down in my tiny notebook, the schedule in my inbox, the offer on my dressing table, and the promise to myself to unload some ppl of some burden.
Meanwhile, enjoy your days and the people around you, and whenever you can, have a giant paper tosai for me k?
Godspeed y'all.
Thursday, May 11, 2006 / 6:39 PM
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006 / 11:37 AM
MOGOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*even my lyrics are on strike today*
UGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think i’m cut out for working world AT ALL! All these sensitive things *yang I don’t see as sensitive pun!!!!*, and all these stoooopiddd amendments that has to be rewritten a thousands time, and all the stupid approvals that you have to get from all kinds of ppl who never seem to be at their desks when the time comes for them to approve it, when all you want to do is speed up the process, help out those in need, and generally, GET THE BLOODY WORK DONE! and I can’t BELIEVE the amount of forests we’re chopping down to get a stupid 5 minutes job done!!!
That’s all there is to it. Bottom line: GET THE F**KING JOB DONE.
Tolong laa, i’m getting pretty tired of all this. All these bureaucracies, and policies that just lengthens everything. No wonder all our investors are flocking to India and China.
Not to mention, the impending 2 plus weeks course that I HAVE to take as a blarrdy govt servant to go and listen to talks on how not to practise corruption, how to be more ethical et al, in some ulu jungle south of the state!!!!!!!!!!
I MOGOK!!!!!!!!!!!
As of now, today, I don’t blarrdy care if those companies are not able to get their materials ke, tak dpt listing ke, and I don’t care if my work is not done by the end of the week. If you guys know i’m leaving and guys pile more files on my table and then asking in a bewildered voice "Are you pressured by this companies aa?" and expect me to get it all done within the charter's time, and you know I won’t be able to answer queries during the next 2 weeks which would lead the companies to complain to the higher powers therefore inducing higher powers to rain down on your parade, then I only have this to say:
PADAN MUKA KORANGGG!!!!!!
Bukannya korang yang going to be in the line of fire with these companies kan? So, why do u care right? And don't forget to do this again when i take my extremely long break during the 3rd quarter of the year, where i will seriously be pondering my life's direction ok...go ahead, make my life miserable...the country's paying me kan?
Semco sounds like an occupational Utopia/Shang Ri-La right now. Ricardo Semler, I wanna go to Brazil and work with you..please?
*even my lyrics are on strike today*
UGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think i’m cut out for working world AT ALL! All these sensitive things *yang I don’t see as sensitive pun!!!!*, and all these stoooopiddd amendments that has to be rewritten a thousands time, and all the stupid approvals that you have to get from all kinds of ppl who never seem to be at their desks when the time comes for them to approve it, when all you want to do is speed up the process, help out those in need, and generally, GET THE BLOODY WORK DONE! and I can’t BELIEVE the amount of forests we’re chopping down to get a stupid 5 minutes job done!!!
That’s all there is to it. Bottom line: GET THE F**KING JOB DONE.
Tolong laa, i’m getting pretty tired of all this. All these bureaucracies, and policies that just lengthens everything. No wonder all our investors are flocking to India and China.
Not to mention, the impending 2 plus weeks course that I HAVE to take as a blarrdy govt servant to go and listen to talks on how not to practise corruption, how to be more ethical et al, in some ulu jungle south of the state!!!!!!!!!!
I MOGOK!!!!!!!!!!!
As of now, today, I don’t blarrdy care if those companies are not able to get their materials ke, tak dpt listing ke, and I don’t care if my work is not done by the end of the week. If you guys know i’m leaving and guys pile more files on my table and then asking in a bewildered voice "Are you pressured by this companies aa?" and expect me to get it all done within the charter's time, and you know I won’t be able to answer queries during the next 2 weeks which would lead the companies to complain to the higher powers therefore inducing higher powers to rain down on your parade, then I only have this to say:
PADAN MUKA KORANGGG!!!!!!
Bukannya korang yang going to be in the line of fire with these companies kan? So, why do u care right? And don't forget to do this again when i take my extremely long break during the 3rd quarter of the year, where i will seriously be pondering my life's direction ok...go ahead, make my life miserable...the country's paying me kan?
Semco sounds like an occupational Utopia/Shang Ri-La right now. Ricardo Semler, I wanna go to Brazil and work with you..please?
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 / 8:44 AM
Mind Games
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
- Coldplay’s "Fix You"-
I don’t usually have vivid dreams. I remembered some from my past, significant ones, like the one where this guy was forced to marry me, and I remember me reassuring him that I will straighten it all out with the Tok Kadi, while the two of us, resplendant in our red songket attire were walking towards the Tok Kadi. Thinking back, I shudder as I wouldn’t have wanted to end up with THAT guy, and I don’t think I look good in red songket.
But last week, maybe due to the hassles of being involved in organizing a seminar, with participants from Japan, I had this dream that lingered. Well, not too much of it, but just some details. I think I was at someone’s house, when my mom introduced me to her friend. This friend has a daughter named Nita. Nita, strangely, looks like combination of two of my friends with the same name. I was, of course, gobsmacked and enchanted by this bubbly, chubby new friend, as I almost always will be with super duper smart people who’ve had an interesting background. Nita and family apparently, have been staying in Japan for a number of years, and she graduated from Kyoto University *got aa Kyoto University? must go look it up* In that dream, me and Nita were chums, really good friends that found things to do together and planned outings. I remembered having so much fun with her, that when I woke up, I was actually missing her. Missing a non-existent person from a dream.
Then last night, I had another dream about Bangkok. The usual suspects were there, plus a new person. This tall malay girl, with dyed hair who dragged Elly and I to go clubbing or something, but I couldn’t go, because just as I was leaving, I bumped into the Totz. And suddenly, the dream switched to me, the Totz and Eilz cruising down the streets of Bangkok to look for this hotel, where I left something. That dream was quite vivid, that I didn’t believe it was already time to wake up when my handphone alarm rang.
Last night, I visited the family of my cousin who’s father-in-law just passed away. But I was really exhausted from coming back from work and driving to the other side of the state, so maybe, that’s what induced that dream. I did remember chatting animatedly though to my mother on the way there, and thinking back, I remembered asking my mother what is it that makes a person mengigau (talk in their sleep)? She told me that it could be due to fatigue or when a person has so much to talk about during the time he/she was awake, that it carried on in her subconsciousness (terbawak-bawak masa tidur). Well then, I must have mengigau-ed my way through the night last night.
All these dreams about friends couldn’t mean anything, could they? Admittedly, I’ve been pondering upon things lately when it comes to this subject, getting annoyed with certain people, not wanting to talk to certain people, and generally keeping my reserves within me as, sometimes, I do not know who I can trust anymore. But on Sunday night as we were celebrating the birthday of a surprised Nerrs, surrounded by friends I’ve not seen in a long time, I could finally laugh my head off and relax. Maybe, just maybe, that’s all I need from my friends right now.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
- Coldplay’s "Fix You"-
I don’t usually have vivid dreams. I remembered some from my past, significant ones, like the one where this guy was forced to marry me, and I remember me reassuring him that I will straighten it all out with the Tok Kadi, while the two of us, resplendant in our red songket attire were walking towards the Tok Kadi. Thinking back, I shudder as I wouldn’t have wanted to end up with THAT guy, and I don’t think I look good in red songket.
But last week, maybe due to the hassles of being involved in organizing a seminar, with participants from Japan, I had this dream that lingered. Well, not too much of it, but just some details. I think I was at someone’s house, when my mom introduced me to her friend. This friend has a daughter named Nita. Nita, strangely, looks like combination of two of my friends with the same name. I was, of course, gobsmacked and enchanted by this bubbly, chubby new friend, as I almost always will be with super duper smart people who’ve had an interesting background. Nita and family apparently, have been staying in Japan for a number of years, and she graduated from Kyoto University *got aa Kyoto University? must go look it up* In that dream, me and Nita were chums, really good friends that found things to do together and planned outings. I remembered having so much fun with her, that when I woke up, I was actually missing her. Missing a non-existent person from a dream.
Then last night, I had another dream about Bangkok. The usual suspects were there, plus a new person. This tall malay girl, with dyed hair who dragged Elly and I to go clubbing or something, but I couldn’t go, because just as I was leaving, I bumped into the Totz. And suddenly, the dream switched to me, the Totz and Eilz cruising down the streets of Bangkok to look for this hotel, where I left something. That dream was quite vivid, that I didn’t believe it was already time to wake up when my handphone alarm rang.
Last night, I visited the family of my cousin who’s father-in-law just passed away. But I was really exhausted from coming back from work and driving to the other side of the state, so maybe, that’s what induced that dream. I did remember chatting animatedly though to my mother on the way there, and thinking back, I remembered asking my mother what is it that makes a person mengigau (talk in their sleep)? She told me that it could be due to fatigue or when a person has so much to talk about during the time he/she was awake, that it carried on in her subconsciousness (terbawak-bawak masa tidur). Well then, I must have mengigau-ed my way through the night last night.
All these dreams about friends couldn’t mean anything, could they? Admittedly, I’ve been pondering upon things lately when it comes to this subject, getting annoyed with certain people, not wanting to talk to certain people, and generally keeping my reserves within me as, sometimes, I do not know who I can trust anymore. But on Sunday night as we were celebrating the birthday of a surprised Nerrs, surrounded by friends I’ve not seen in a long time, I could finally laugh my head off and relax. Maybe, just maybe, that’s all I need from my friends right now.
|
Tuesday, May 02, 2006 / 6:47 PM
Abundance Ibunda
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
- Nickelback's "Savin' Me" -
Aku haus. Tapi aku malas nak basuh botol air, dan isi air daripada water cooler kat dalam pantry tu. So, padan muka la kan.
Semalam, aku rasa gembira. Tenang, almost. Bangun pagi dan sarapan nasi lemak berlaukkan sambal udang mak aku yang terlebih power tu sudahpun menatapku. Diacah-acahnya "makan la, makan la". I was supposed to be on a diet today, the whole week, and for the rest of my life, even. Tapi, pedulikan. Sepinggan jugak nasi lemak tu aku habiskan.
Pagi tu, ikut mama pergi tengok bunga-bunga plastik di SSF, salah satu tempat yang sinonim dengan persiapan perkahwinan. Tapi, bukan aku atau adik aku yang nak kahwin. Mama cuma nak cari bunga untuk buat floral arrangements baru untuk majlis kutu dia bulan depan. Btw, kalau aku nak kawin, aku canang satu Klang Valley, percayala.
Aku rasa, kalau aku kerja kat SSF tu, mesti jiwa aku tenang gila. Dikelilingi oleh bunga-bungaan *walaupun bukan betul* dan objek-objek yang sangat cantik. Aku dapat rasakan segala masalahku akan terbang melayang. Hmm, kalau bukan florist, agaknya, boleh tak dapat kerja kat situ?
Aku ada masalah ke? Mungkin. Yang pasti, kepala ini kusut. Fikiran ini kadang-kadang tak menentu, sekejap nak pikir benda nie, sekejap nak pikir benda tu. Sampai malam-malam pun dah tak boleh tidur dengan nyenyak. Dah la highway belakang rumah tu baru sahaja dipasang lampu-lampu floodlights, ala stadium Shah Alam, yang menyinari terus ke arah katilku. Silau mataku.
Hari nie, aku berhajat nak puasa. Aku pikir, aku tak boleh nak kawal apa yang aku makan, tapi aku boleh kawal kalau aku memang tak makan. Tapi, tak terkawal jugak. Melihatkan kerja-kerja yang menimbun, dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang membuat aku rasa rimas dan memikirkan perkara-perkara yang perlu disiapkan dalam jangka masa 2 minggu ini, aku terus stress. Stress sampai berbuka. Walau bagaimanapun, aku tak boleh nak salahkan stress. Aku nie senang dibuai pujuk rayu. Walaupun pujuk rayu itu datangnya daripada sebuah gambar pai epal bersama 2 scoop ais krim vanilla.
Aku rasa ada masanya yang aku perlu mellow. Aku perlu jugak layan perasaan aku nie. Kadang-kadang rasa penat nak senyum setiap masa, buat suara ceria, jawab segala pertanyaan dengan sabar. Boleh tak kalau satu hari tu, masuk office, muka bengis? Pastu tak nak jawab apa-apa? Tak pun, lagi best kalau jawab dengan suara garang? Aku rasa best. Cuma, aku tak sampai hati nak buat camtu. Tapi, kalau tak sampai hati, meranala badan sebab makan hati.
Aku tengah baca buku bertajuk "Maverick", sebuah buku bukan fiksyen yang ditulis oleh Ricardo Semler. Ricardo nie CEO kepada sebuah syarikat di Brazil yang telah mengadaptasikan praktis-praktis yang bukan conventional seperti membenarkan pekerja-pekerja menetapkan gaji dan bonus mereka. Salah satu culture mereka yang aku rasa sangat menarik dan patut dipraktikkan ialah apabila setiap pekerja punch in atau report masuk, pada bulletin board disebelah nama mereka, mereka ada pilihan untuk meletak tag yang terdiri daripada 3 warna, hijau, orange dan merah. Macam traffic light la. Kalau hijau, maksudnya ‘Good mood’, kalau kuning ‘Careful’ dan merah ‘Not Today-Please’. Mungkin, kalau kita praktikkan ini, there’ll be fewer rash decision-making and more thoughtfulness as well as consideration for others incorporated in our work culture.Anyway, si Ricardo nie nak datang Malaysia August nie, to speak at the Global Leadership Forum. Kalau nak dengar dia nie bercakap, aku sanggup bayar, tapi pakej satu hari forum tu pun dah mencecah lebih 3 ribu ringgit. Lebih baik aku baca buku bestseller dia nie yang aku dapat dari kedai charity kat KL Sentral nie. 2 ringgit je, menderma pulak tu. Tak sangka aku dapat merasa balik beli-beli buku secondhand kat kedai-kedai charity nie. Buku tu tak cantik la, mukasurat dah kuning-kuning dan mungkin bukan lagi second hand, mungkin juga third atau forth. Tapi, bagi aku itu tak penting. Kalau tak cantik sangat buku tu orang mungkin tak nak pinjam, dan kalau orang tak nak pinjam, selamatla buku-buku aku. Yes, I know, i’m selfish that way.
Mungkin, aku sebenarnya dah rasa bosan. Bosan dengan orang-orang disekelilingku, bosan dengan kerja, bosan dengan gaya hidup aku nie. Aku perhatikan, attention span aku nie tak lama, dalam setahun je, aku dah bosan, aku dah gatal nak buat benda-benda yang mama akan deem as pelik or menyusahkan badan. Tapi nak buat camne? Aku rasa persekitaran aku nie tak stimulating enough. Aku kan seorang Aquarian, dan kami golongan eccentric dan dan kreatif. Walaupun aku nie tak la sekreatif adik beradik aku yang dok sibuk menjaja bakat mereka ke corporate semi-giants, tapi itu cuma bermakna, kami golongan yang bencikan mediocrity, predictability dan juga routine. Uggh.
Haa, lagi satu yang buat aku bengang hari nie. Bila berdepan dengan orang yang suka melayan kita for the sake of melayan. Aku sebenarnya anti jawapan-jawapan yang kurang ikhlas, yang sekadar menjawab persoalan dengan kata-kata manis. Seperti default answers. I hate that. Don’t do that to me. Aku lagi suka kalau kau jauhkan diri sampai kau rasa kau nak bercakap dengan aku secara ikhlas. Aku tau niat kau baik, tapi aku rimas. Dan aku rasa nak mengamuk. Dan aku nie sebenarnya cepat mengamuk, walaupun tak ramai orang yang tahu.
Dahlaa, baik la aku pergi sembahyang Asar, dapat pahala, dan mungkin hati nie akan sejuk semula dan fikirang nie akan tenang balik.
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
- Nickelback's "Savin' Me" -
Aku haus. Tapi aku malas nak basuh botol air, dan isi air daripada water cooler kat dalam pantry tu. So, padan muka la kan.
Semalam, aku rasa gembira. Tenang, almost. Bangun pagi dan sarapan nasi lemak berlaukkan sambal udang mak aku yang terlebih power tu sudahpun menatapku. Diacah-acahnya "makan la, makan la". I was supposed to be on a diet today, the whole week, and for the rest of my life, even. Tapi, pedulikan. Sepinggan jugak nasi lemak tu aku habiskan.
Pagi tu, ikut mama pergi tengok bunga-bunga plastik di SSF, salah satu tempat yang sinonim dengan persiapan perkahwinan. Tapi, bukan aku atau adik aku yang nak kahwin. Mama cuma nak cari bunga untuk buat floral arrangements baru untuk majlis kutu dia bulan depan. Btw, kalau aku nak kawin, aku canang satu Klang Valley, percayala.
Aku rasa, kalau aku kerja kat SSF tu, mesti jiwa aku tenang gila. Dikelilingi oleh bunga-bungaan *walaupun bukan betul* dan objek-objek yang sangat cantik. Aku dapat rasakan segala masalahku akan terbang melayang. Hmm, kalau bukan florist, agaknya, boleh tak dapat kerja kat situ?
Aku ada masalah ke? Mungkin. Yang pasti, kepala ini kusut. Fikiran ini kadang-kadang tak menentu, sekejap nak pikir benda nie, sekejap nak pikir benda tu. Sampai malam-malam pun dah tak boleh tidur dengan nyenyak. Dah la highway belakang rumah tu baru sahaja dipasang lampu-lampu floodlights, ala stadium Shah Alam, yang menyinari terus ke arah katilku. Silau mataku.
Hari nie, aku berhajat nak puasa. Aku pikir, aku tak boleh nak kawal apa yang aku makan, tapi aku boleh kawal kalau aku memang tak makan. Tapi, tak terkawal jugak. Melihatkan kerja-kerja yang menimbun, dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang membuat aku rasa rimas dan memikirkan perkara-perkara yang perlu disiapkan dalam jangka masa 2 minggu ini, aku terus stress. Stress sampai berbuka. Walau bagaimanapun, aku tak boleh nak salahkan stress. Aku nie senang dibuai pujuk rayu. Walaupun pujuk rayu itu datangnya daripada sebuah gambar pai epal bersama 2 scoop ais krim vanilla.
Aku rasa ada masanya yang aku perlu mellow. Aku perlu jugak layan perasaan aku nie. Kadang-kadang rasa penat nak senyum setiap masa, buat suara ceria, jawab segala pertanyaan dengan sabar. Boleh tak kalau satu hari tu, masuk office, muka bengis? Pastu tak nak jawab apa-apa? Tak pun, lagi best kalau jawab dengan suara garang? Aku rasa best. Cuma, aku tak sampai hati nak buat camtu. Tapi, kalau tak sampai hati, meranala badan sebab makan hati.
Aku tengah baca buku bertajuk "Maverick", sebuah buku bukan fiksyen yang ditulis oleh Ricardo Semler. Ricardo nie CEO kepada sebuah syarikat di Brazil yang telah mengadaptasikan praktis-praktis yang bukan conventional seperti membenarkan pekerja-pekerja menetapkan gaji dan bonus mereka. Salah satu culture mereka yang aku rasa sangat menarik dan patut dipraktikkan ialah apabila setiap pekerja punch in atau report masuk, pada bulletin board disebelah nama mereka, mereka ada pilihan untuk meletak tag yang terdiri daripada 3 warna, hijau, orange dan merah. Macam traffic light la. Kalau hijau, maksudnya ‘Good mood’, kalau kuning ‘Careful’ dan merah ‘Not Today-Please’. Mungkin, kalau kita praktikkan ini, there’ll be fewer rash decision-making and more thoughtfulness as well as consideration for others incorporated in our work culture.Anyway, si Ricardo nie nak datang Malaysia August nie, to speak at the Global Leadership Forum. Kalau nak dengar dia nie bercakap, aku sanggup bayar, tapi pakej satu hari forum tu pun dah mencecah lebih 3 ribu ringgit. Lebih baik aku baca buku bestseller dia nie yang aku dapat dari kedai charity kat KL Sentral nie. 2 ringgit je, menderma pulak tu. Tak sangka aku dapat merasa balik beli-beli buku secondhand kat kedai-kedai charity nie. Buku tu tak cantik la, mukasurat dah kuning-kuning dan mungkin bukan lagi second hand, mungkin juga third atau forth. Tapi, bagi aku itu tak penting. Kalau tak cantik sangat buku tu orang mungkin tak nak pinjam, dan kalau orang tak nak pinjam, selamatla buku-buku aku. Yes, I know, i’m selfish that way.
Mungkin, aku sebenarnya dah rasa bosan. Bosan dengan orang-orang disekelilingku, bosan dengan kerja, bosan dengan gaya hidup aku nie. Aku perhatikan, attention span aku nie tak lama, dalam setahun je, aku dah bosan, aku dah gatal nak buat benda-benda yang mama akan deem as pelik or menyusahkan badan. Tapi nak buat camne? Aku rasa persekitaran aku nie tak stimulating enough. Aku kan seorang Aquarian, dan kami golongan eccentric dan dan kreatif. Walaupun aku nie tak la sekreatif adik beradik aku yang dok sibuk menjaja bakat mereka ke corporate semi-giants, tapi itu cuma bermakna, kami golongan yang bencikan mediocrity, predictability dan juga routine. Uggh.
Haa, lagi satu yang buat aku bengang hari nie. Bila berdepan dengan orang yang suka melayan kita for the sake of melayan. Aku sebenarnya anti jawapan-jawapan yang kurang ikhlas, yang sekadar menjawab persoalan dengan kata-kata manis. Seperti default answers. I hate that. Don’t do that to me. Aku lagi suka kalau kau jauhkan diri sampai kau rasa kau nak bercakap dengan aku secara ikhlas. Aku tau niat kau baik, tapi aku rimas. Dan aku rasa nak mengamuk. Dan aku nie sebenarnya cepat mengamuk, walaupun tak ramai orang yang tahu.
Dahlaa, baik la aku pergi sembahyang Asar, dapat pahala, dan mungkin hati nie akan sejuk semula dan fikirang nie akan tenang balik.
|
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