When you're gone...

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

- Nickelback's "Far Away" -

I've been thinking about death and dying lately. Last week, on the news, they featured a story on the orphans in Acheh who lost their parents and family in the 2004 Tsunami. The children were placed in a newly set up orphanage that was built upon the donations of the public and several organisations. They interviewed several of the kids on general stuff i.e. how they liked the place, what do u want to be when u grow up, those kind of questions. These kids, though young, possessed serious expressions, and are quite reserved. Small wonder when they have faced such tragedy at an early age. The feature tugged my heart strings, and i felt a lump in my throat. What got me was when the orphans put up a nasyid show as a performance for the donors during one of their official occasion. They sang a song that depicts their present situation, with words that carried the message that their parents are no longer around, and no one but God will take care of them now. All of those who sang were boys, and all of them, every single one were crying when they sang that song. You could see the tears rolling out freely on their cheeks, while some were already teresak-esak, but bravely, they continued with the show. When the camera pans to the audience, you could see those adults wiping their tears as well. That was really heart-wrenching, and it puts my life in a perspective for a while, where all my problems seemed so petty compared to what those orphans are facing.

My mom told me a story a few nights ago. Her ustadz advised their ladies usrah group to, if possible, be the person to bathe their mothers after they die. *This applies to the Muslims* Among the things he said that i can remember now is, he mentions how, when you bathe your mother, you think "When I was a baby, my mother used to bathe me, so this time let me bathe her". When they put on the kain kapan, think "masa kecik-kecik dulu, mak sikatkan rambut, pakaikan baju elok2, so sekarang kita pakaikan baju untuk mak". Bila arwah mak tu dah masuk liang lahad, and the tanah falls on her face, think "Dulu mak bedakkan muka, sekarang let me do the same for her.." and so on. I had huge tears in my eyes which i fought to keep from falling while smiling at my mom's story. And now, while i write this down, i can't help this feeling of helplessness i have, and have shed a few tears while typing out this paragraph.

As much time as I spent with my mom, I don't think it'll ever, ever be enough. I admit, I am an anak mak, and though some people out there think nothing much of leaving their mother, I often cannot imagine life without her. She is EVERYTHING to me, and i don't think i can survive when she finally leaves nanti. Everytime i try to imagine it, i can't help but start to tear up. Silly, sissy me, but that's what i do. And even though, I might meet someone in my life later on who could take care of me as well as she did, i don't think that'll ever, ever replace even a tiny cell of her.

Maybe i'm thinking about all this because my grandma is currently staying with us. She is from the kampung and, therefore, is a simple person. I know she misses her home very much, but didn't want to mention anything to my parents. I mean, what can she do here? Just sleep, eat and talk to whoever is around. The first night she came, my dad sat and chatted with her till late, as the eldest son would do to a mother. And, since she has complications that come with age, he has been sleeping near her every night, enduring the discomfort of our rattan couch. My mom once told me that since she doesn't have a mother anymore, that is why she treats my grandma like her next mother. She actually took my grandma for Haj, about 15 years back, and none of my father's siblings went along. She wishes that my grandma would stay with us, because then she can take better care of her; getting her ready in the morning, making sure she gets some exercise every day, making sure she's eating well and consuming the right food, and making sure her medication is administered properly, among other things.

Did i mention that my mother is a superwoman? She is. She zips around the house doing household chores like an anak dara, she is extremely well-organized, clear headed and has a sharp mind. I have testimonials from our neighbours where my mom grew up, and they would tell me, "mak awak tu, sebelum kerja hari-hari, dah sapu and mop lantai satu rumah! Kalau hujan je, terus keluar, berus longkang. Bersih sangat rumah tu,". She takes care of her health by cooking and eating healthily, and never misses her daily rituals of tai chi by the lake. When she was working, she would brisk-walked for an hour before coming in to the office everyday. She gets in earlier than everyone else, hence starts working and gets everything done almost always on the same day. When her ex-boss went over to our beautician, Aunty Phyllis, for a facial, she actually told Aunty Phyllis that my mom can carry out 3 people's duties at one time. This I actually got from Aunty Phyllis when i went for a facial. She's also a neatness freak, she micro-manages each of her kids. Without her, our lives and my dad's would just fall apart. The least that could happen is we all go broke, because we'll be eating out every day, as she has been doing all the cooking all these years.

I don't know what's making me so melancholic that i am now writing about my mother. I bet I'm going to turn out to be a mother who would always go, "Dulu, my mother would..yada, yada, yada...". What i do know is, that my time is running out. It's going to be a matter of short decades before I see her leave, i hope insya-Allah, and this is not going to be enough bekal to last me a lifetime. Maybe that is why, I rather hang out with her, doing errands although I'm not always that willing, and trying to accomodate her whenever she needs a teman for breakfast or to go anywhere at all. I just wanted to BE with her. She does gets on my nerves a lot, by being a perfectionist and sometimes, can give out callous remarks. At times, I would think, damn, i'm NEVER good enough for her. But i guess, in the end, i don't want to be the person going, "i wish i spent more time with her"just because i might not be able to stand her at times. And when i think of that one time when she slept on two chairs as a makeshift bed in the hospital ward the night after i had a knee operation, all my grouses would just disappear.

Peyton, of One Tree Hill, puts it perfectly in her podcast :
Her birth mother died of cancer, and she was in a reflection mode, i guess, when that podcast was made. She mentions how when she listens to a song, or a joke, she would want to share it with her mom. She mentions that there's things that she wants to know about her mom now that she never asked her when her mom was alive. Like, if she ever bit her nails, or what posters her mom had on the walls when she was 13, or what she used to eat for dinner with their grandparents. *Short summary: Peyton didn't grow up with her birth mother, and when she finally came back to her life, she was already dying of cancer.*

I hope i'll be strong when the time comes for God to take her away. I hope i'd have acquired enough sense, knowledge, and wisdom to carry on with my life without her. I hope I'll be able to retain enough memories of her, and would have her words whispering in my ears whenever I'm faced with any difficulties in life.

When something or someone leaves your life for good, God always replaces it with something, insya-Allah, better. When my mom lost her mom, she just had me for less than a year. For now, I hope I was and still am a good substitute for her.