Revelations

The more I see you,
The more I want you.
Somehow this feeling
Just grows and grows.

- Michael Buble's "The More I See You" -

One of the perks of a birthday is (other than getting presents you intentionally or unintentionally have hinted at heavily at your loved ones) is having a sample astrology reading of yourself done via some obscure website that will prolly be sending you some junk mail for the next 20 years or so.

Oh what the heck. I'm a sucker for these things, and I actually do believe that there's common traits that certain people born during certain months share. It could be the alignment of the moon, sun and other planets that might have resulted it. Or some chemical reaction that happens during..err..the act of conceiving within certain months. Or prolly its just a plaything to a bunch of highly observant Roman dudes who have nothing better to do than to judge people's characters and to chart them according to the constellation that were prolly easier to see back in those days, minus the smog and pollution of these days. Anyway, read on what they say about moi :)

Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
You are a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual, and you insist upon living your own life as you see fit, even if that means ignoring convention and tradition. In personal relationships you cannot be owned or possessed, and while you are willing to share yourself with another, you do not always adjust easily to the emotional give and take of a close relationship. Though intellectually open, you can be enormously stubborn, opinionated, and inflexible on a one-to-one level. You have strong convictions and feelings about fairness and equality, and you try to live by your ideals, but your ideals about how people SHOULD treat one another don't always take into account human weaknesses, differences, and needs. You probably dislike sentimentality and traditional gender roles and "games".

Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
You are a progressive thinker, open and receptive to new technologies and breakthroughs in science, and the latest discoveries in any field. You have high expectations and a deep belief that mankind's problems can be solved through the use of our creative intelligence and inventive mind. You have no patience for those whose conservative, unimaginative outlook limits their capacity to find solutions and envision a better future. You also like to keep abreast of current developments in world affairs, for you instinctively know that what happens in one part of the world affects everyone. You have a strong humanitarian impulse. Practically speaking, you have an aptitude for organization and enjoy being involved in cooperative endeavors or businesses that are contemporary and innovative.

I suppose they're true to some extent. But I won't dwell too much on it. :p

Can I just say that my life has taken a rather surprising turn right now? That the events of the past 1 month has resulted in 1 night of confessions? That I didn't think this is what the new year would have brought me, and during the first month too? That I could take in everything, and not be too confused because despite everything my minds shouts at me, I just find that everything seemed right?

I'm sorry because, despite me thinking that I'm articulate, I still prolly can't find the right words to say to You.
I'm sorry because, despite me thinking I'm quite an affectionate person, I might not be able to show it to You.
I'm sorry because, despite me thinking that I can be passionate about some things, I might appear aloof to You.
And, I'm sorry because, despite having romantic notions, I can't help peppering our interactions with humor (stupid ones at that).

But right now, as of this moment, I have never felt happier, more comfortable in my own skin, confident of myself, hopeful of the future, and stronger to face anything.

Oh yeah, and more ladylike too..hmm...

Thanks to You.

Judging Curlylocks

Mungkinkah bersama dua jiwa ini
Dalam mencari cinta sejati nan suci
Mungkinkah segala derita di jiwa
Akan terubat kini

- Anuar Zain's "Mungkin" -

Two nights ago, i had the priviledge of being one of the panel judges for a Talent Search that was in conjunction with the anniversary of a certain college of a certain University. It was the preliminary stage before the final round this weekend. Although I have been known to be judgmental of other people, I didn't know that that trait was going to be put to some use for a cause. And no, it was not because of that that i was invited to be a judge; a charming younger brother of a certain best friend had no other choice and candidate, so his sister's friend would have to do (own sister would have died of laughter upon listening to the first participant sing, so, to be on the safe and not embarassing side, he decided to ask me to do it :p ). Of course i was flattered, especially upon finding out that the other 2 judges were this elderly sound engineer and a lyricist cum entertainment industry guy, who wrote one of Siti Nurhaliza's songs. Oklaa, the darah gemuruh of mine came up brewing, but they were all fine about me being a total amateur at judging a talent competition. (They obviously have had a lot of experience. The lyricist is even a panel judge for the upcoming AIM, and will be judging the Song of theYear category). I on the other hand, have nada experience, except to laugh at reality show participants on TV.

The contest started out later than scheduled, so I was just hanging around with the organizers *read: Uni students* in the dining hall where the Talent Search was held, until I was ushered to a room (VIP room, okay) where the judges were supposed to be resting in. A few of the kids sat with us to keep us company, but the silence in the room was so deafening, that I had to open my mouth, and do what i do best: Ask inane questions. I had to! Everyone was so quiet, and didn't seem interested to talk, so I had to break the ice right? I can't be in a room where everyone pretends the other didn't exist. So asked around I did, and I found out quite a bit about producing magazine shows for RTM, event management and judging a talent competition. The kids pun i grilled about their talent search, and about their courses and stuff. Things relaxed for a bit after that, then i concentrated on the plates of mee rebus that i saw on the table in the room. Is that for us? Hmmm...

We were then ushered to our places right smack daddy in front of the stage. I really have to give credits to these kids. I mean, i know la that this is prolly common practice everywhere else, but organizing such events and ensuring that everything runs smoothly, is kind of alien in the university i studied. These kids seem to have it all together, and did their best to ensure everyone was allright, and that nothing was out of place. So, dudukla there, with the customary bottle of mineral water, and a torchlight. How prihatin of them to noticed that we might be blinded by the participants bright talents. No laa, just in case the lights dimmed down, so that we could see what we're writing. Kan the 2 other judges were, ahem, elderly :p We were supposed to be judging in terms of Vokal, Persembahan dan Kreativiti, Imej dan Personaliti, Penguasaan Pentas, Pemakaian, and another category i can't remember, and to give out points based on the percentages. Easy enough la actually, anyone also can do it. But I'm pretty sure, the other 2 judges' points carried more weight than mine did. I do remember giving out points for Pemakaian as soon as they walk up the stage. I mean, this is a Talent Show, and you've had a flood of talent contest on reality tv, can't u make an effort sikit??? At the very least, jangan la pakai selipar jepun. But there's this couple who made the effort to match in terms of their outfit right down to their selipar jepuns hehe. So cute. As a matter of fact, most of the duets couple matched their outfits, but not necessarily their voices.

There were 30 entries altogether and it actually ended around 11.45 pm. Hmm, memorable participants. The first guy who meshed 5 songs into 1, accapella..creative, earnest, but err...oh well, he did say he dedicated it to his father who passed away. The guy whom the MC announced will be singing a rock song (Amy Search's), but came up the stage looking all groomed with plucked eyebrows and tucking his hair behind his ears. *sigh* He managed to make the song sound like a motivational Joey McIntyre song..How did that happen?! The Chinese couple who choreographed some sequence, while walking up the stage hand in hand. *Aww* The mat-salleh looking guy, with messy dyed hair, who came up to sing Marc Anthony's "My Baby You" to screams of "awak hensemlaa!!" by the guys at the back of the hall. The innocent looking girl in black tudung, and black outfit who came up singing XPDC's "Semangat Yang Hilang". The really pretty second contestant who has this really good voice, who made the effort of dressing up nicely, and gave a really good rendition of "You light Up My Life". The Chinese guy who came up with an electric guitar to sing OAG's "Akustatik" , with the lyrics wrapped around his guitar handle. The malay guy who looked as if he was forced to participate hence singing so rigidly, then proceeded to scream out the chorus at us, the panel of judges who visible jumped in our seats, while singing “Tiada Lagi Kidungmu”. The malay girl who must have practiced a little too many times with her minus once cd, resulting in it jumping and jerking at all times. Most memorable one, was this Syed Anas lookalike, who started with a piece of dialogue from Puteri Gunung Ledang, then singing Anuar Zain’s “Mungkin” dengan penuh perasaan complete with an eyebrow act, who then started walking down the stage, all the while staring at all of us in the eye with his long neck enabling him to look at his scores. I was afraid that he might want to tarik one of the judges up the stage with him, so I shrank back in my seat, but he didn’t. Pheww…

Truly, truly memorable.

Oh yeah, when ur one of the judges, you find that the participants would do certain things like bow to u, or smile lebih2 or even point to you during singing. Ah, the adoration hehe..

After that, the judges were ushered back to the VIP room, to confer on the results. What we did was slurp down mee rebus and the tarik, while the organizing committees stand around us at our beck and call. After THAT, baru we looked at the results of our scores. Well, at least some of those I gave high points to, managed to get into the list of 8 finalists, with an extra one thrown in “atas budi bicara panel juri”..hehehe…

I had fun, it was something different, and truly memorable. This kind of event was something that I find sorely missing in the uni I studied in. The excitement, the kucar kacir, the organizing…Oh, btw, the MC was one of the best MCs I’ve ever had the pleasure to listen to. So cheerful, confident and articulate. I walked up to him after that and told him to keep it up, it might come in handy in the future. Jangan jadi macam akak nie haa, went to pieces as soon as mic was placed in hands. *sigh*

Oh, and when they announced the judges? My name came up with the tag, Performer (insert name of current employer)!! What a hoot! I nearly fell of the seat laughing..haha!

All the best to those kids this Saturday :)

Video killed the radio star..really?

It's in the way that you move me, and the way that you tease me,
The way that I want you tonight,
It's in the way that you hold me, and the way that you know me,
When I can't find the right words to say,
You feel it in the way, you feel it in the way.

- Clay Aiken’s “The Way” -

Can someone please tell me why after more than 10 years, Traxx Fm (previously known as Radio 4) still plays Enigma’s “Return To Innocence”? Seriously, it was a kinda cool tune to listen to back in the early Nineties, but nowadays, it’s just plain annoying. Right now, this is what’s streaming from my colleague’s radio, and it is annoying the hell out of me.

I do not expect radio stations to play mainstream music all day long. On the contrary, I loved it when Astro came up with their multiple radio channels that allows listener to listen to different genre, instead of being subjected to mindless stream of hits and misses. Back in the Nineties, what was cool to listen to then, was Radio 4 if you wanted English music (I’m sorry but I didn’t think any other stations dedicated to playing English songs existed back then). Sometimes, the malay radio stations such as Radio Muzik, RMKL or even Radio 1 might play random English songs but very, very sporadically (jaranng, jaraaannnggg)..On Radio 4, what you get is a jumbled up selection of current hits, oldies, and during the children hour every Saturday around 2 pm, you get Disney hits! I actually learnt my “Spoonful of Sugar” tune by heart listening during this time :p

Then came Time Highway Radio, which I regard as one of the greatest invention of the Nineties, as it actually played current hits and really, really nice cool tunes too! And the best part was, no talking in between the song! Oh, heaven sent! You do know what I mean, don’t you? I find that the djs on RMKL does this best:

“ Ok, ini lagu daripada Bon Jovi” (song starts)….”Living On a Prayer” the dj would sambung (song goes on)…halfway through the first verse.. “Siapa yang tak live on a prayer? Kita semua perlukan bla bla bla….” (while song goes on oblivious)…

Gah!!! That was soooo freaking annoying! And yes, I have evidence to support that. I was once a pirate albeit missing the eye patch and dirty red and white spotted bandanna, who would pilfer good tunes on the radio to have them on tapes for my own listening pleasure whenever (usually before going to bed and getting ready for school). So I would tape a song I like as soon as it come on a radio (the first part is almost always missing), and accidentally tape the dj’s voice along. I actually have Fly Guy on tape, introducing a song when he was still with THR, and when it was still called Time Highway Radio, and I also have him on tape when Hitz was first introduced.

I was a real freak when it came to taping songs. I actually went up to the extent to look up Radio Muzik’s nightly selections submitted by their listeners that used to be published in Utusan or Berita Harian to get some more songs for my collection. Wait, do they still do that nowadays? Don’t think so. But I remembered a lot of the selections would come from some girls in some random boarding school, requesting Peter Cetera. *sigh*

So, why this post about music and radio from the Nineties? Simply because, I cannot stand Enigma’s “Return to Innocence” but I can’t do much about it cuz its coming from my colleague’s radio, and simply because I recently had a discussion about music with a certain someone, whose taste in music I would classify as…different. :)

And, to actually complain that within the walls of this government agency? Apparently, only radio gomen waves can tembus.

*sigh* And my brother wonders why I need to burn multiple cds with songs from home.

You said you didn’t want to be a cliché?

For once in my life
I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once unafraid
I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong

-Vonda Shepard’s “For Once In My Life” OST Ally McBeal –

Yes, I don’t want to be a cliché. But I think I’ve let myself be buoyed over by the motions of my life, and the chain of events these past months so much so that I don’t really expect anything anymore, nor do I make plans. Which I think is rather..err..flighty of me. Hence, ladies and gents, *drumrolls and fireworks bursting* R.E.S.O.L.U.T.I.O.N.S.

I think 2006 should be a year where I plan for things to do and to happen, and work my way at trying to achieve those goals.

Oh wow, such ambition, such ideals, such bravado.

Such naivety.

Oh well..one has to start somewhere, and if one is expecting oneself to grow into an adult in one year’s time, then one has to take control of oneself and take control of one’s life. No more dilly-dallying, no more leaving it to chances, no more “see la how”. And no more, planning it by mom’s schedule.

So, this is what I’ve lined myself up for this year, in all its glorified details so I Don’t Forget (I’m even planning to get this printed up in UPPERCASE and hanging it on the bathroom mirror) :

1.Get a teaching job. –
One I’ve been planning to since God knows when, cuz if this Masters I have ain’t gonna get me a 5-figure salary, I might as well try and put ideas into innocent kids heads. I’m not being too ambitious, just a part-time position in a local college, teaching Marketing subjects will do. So, this weekend, I have to scout for available positions, if there’s any nearby the house or the office.

2.Lose that pouch –
I must, I must, I must control my lust – for food, that is *don’t bother thinking naughty thoughts, you*. So,
a. More discipline over food intakes
b. Less indulgences of pastas and cheesecakes (dah dah la tu, think ‘they basically taste the same’ and wait till you get to Italy to taste the real McCoy),
c. More of Jazzercise (and do try to get in some swimming time, with or without the sis)
d. Exercise control of self!
Oh, and more calcium for the bones.

3.Save up –
Ooh, this is a major one. There’s too many things in my life that I want to save up for, and at the rate I’m going it’s going to take some time before any of them materialize. But in no particular order:
a. Shopping trip in UK come Summertime sales or Boxing Day sales (most prolly not this year)
b. A holiday overseas (I am going to Bangkok in April tho’, but I’m aiming for a country other than the South East Asian ones hehe) ,
c. House (preferably in PJ, God knows if there’s any left),
d. A car (which is not as important, but something to watch out for).

And of course, for rainy days. And for the distant future when my kids need Education Insurance. So, in order to save up, this is what I should Do:
a.Wake up earlier and eat breakfast at home.
b.Don’t overindulge during lunch just because I think I deserve it (have been doing this a lot the past few days). Think ‘You’ve tasted this before, it’s not going to taste any different or better this time’ when confronted by expensive or unnecessary food.
c.Try to minimize any unnecessary shopping activities, especially with the extravagant little sis.
d.Cut down on outings that requires lotsa moolah. If all else fails, just tumpang Afti and Jai on their excursions to everywhere hehehe….

4.To read as many books as possible, and to learn something new this year –
I think this calls for the Japanese classes I’ve been postponing. And to scour secondhand bookstores. Think Central Market and flea markets. And to reward myself, only ONE new paperback per month. Period.

5.To be a better person, physically, emotionally, spiritually. –
a.To treat other people nicely,
b.To not be too naive,
c.To listen to other people speak first before spouting useless wisdom,
d.To be more assertive and less docile,
e.To think first before speaking
f.To get healthier by eating right and *hopefully* exercising.
g.To put in some more quality time with The Almighty.

6.To be more thankful of what I have instead of yearning for what I don’t have. –
My colleagues thinks I’m “insatiable” (Belle, this is for you *winks*) in terms of career satisfaction. I don’t know what it is about me that keeps running after things I don’t currently have, hence making me feel displaced most of my adult years. But this government agency here I where I actually felt as if I’m doing something..right. Therefore, I aim to tanam a bit of my roots here and now, and see where this will take me by the end of the year. By then, it will be time for an altogether new batch of resolutions that I have to make based on this year’s performance. I am grateful, although even I think I’m not most of the time, but as I look around me, at my decreasing piles of files, at the tiny sense of achievement I get after tabling my cases, at my increased understanding of this thing I’m doing, I can’t help but feel a little proud at how far I’ve come. People think a government job is something easy peasy, and I was one of them till I came here. But, when I look at how professional the people here are, and how the things are done and get done, and how I’ve never clocked out on time before due to the neverending files coming in, I came to realize that the work I do here? Is Significant. And, I do get the acknowledgement and kudos from different parties, as compared to what I do previously. So am I happy? You could say that. Am I grateful? Alhamdulillah :) I still think there’s more out there for me, but as of now, I’m here to stay.

I think 6 resolutions is a good beginning, don’t u think? Especially since, well, they seem achievable, but knowing my lazy procrastinating bones, I’ll be lucky if I even get any done. But Insya-Allah, it will happen. I think this is a year for me to struggle, and to reap the benefits later on. I have been comfortable for quite some time, so this is a mighty decision for me (although tiny kucheerats compared to what others might face), but I always think that we fight our own battles, and each of us have our own inner demons that we have to conquer. It doesn’t matter how trivial it is, just how you handle each challenges life gives you or each challenges you put yourself through. As they always say, ‘tis not the destination that matters, but the journey that gets you there.

By the way, another informal resolution is to keep updating my blog. Someone has reminded me to do this, so this is me trying to keep up with my own resolution and trying to ensure that whatever writing skills I have doesn’t go down the drain. So, this is also for You, who have yet to supply me with your blog address *winks*..Come on, what does it take? And no, my SPM results is out of the question, thank you very much hehe..

Pleasant day everyone :)

And so it begins...

Cinta datang
Tanpa diundang
Seumur masa tercipta

- M. Nasir & Siti Nurhaliza’s “Bagaikan Sakti” OST Puteri Gunung Ledang -

It's a little over the new year, 5 days to be exact. Work is manageable, alhamdulillah, so I'm going to take some time off to blog. Besides, this organization owes me 4 days of fully-paid leave, so that works out to approximately 32 hours. Therefore, I think I'm entitled to get away with this 32 hours and get some me time right? Right. Especially since my annual leave last Thursday and Friday was spent ferrying the bride around on errands.

By the way, need i mention? My bestest friend, Rubaiti Afti Rusli, is FINALLY MARRIED! yes, fiinnaaallllyyyyyyyy..*heaves big sigh of relief*. After all those years of practically glued to the hips to Jai, they've finally severed those joinings to tie the knot instead. And I couldn't be any more happier. Especially since now Afti will have someone who's gonna be able to control her..muahahah...

The wedding was sweet. I hope it was as how they wanted and expected it to be. Totz, u wanted me to blog about it, but seriously, i don't want to remember any parts of the night ceremony because my whole being would just screw up and i'll explode, screaming my lungs out. Can i just remember the after party? Where everyone mingled with everyone else? And took pictures after pictures? and hugging everyone i haven't seen in aeons? and asking Jai to throw the tengkolok to the guys so whoever catches it will be the next groom?

What I do remember (in order of appearance):

1. Trudging from one end to the OTHER end of One Utama, looking for her bridal shoes 2 days before she got married. It can't be too high, nor can it be open toed, and above all, it has to look wedding-ish. Why? Cuz this girl just had to go and pencil in "Fracture ankle" in her schedule of things-to-do before getting married. That's sooo Afti *rolls eyes* hehe..But found them we did, in the end. *thank God!*

2. The final car trip with the girls the day before she calls herself a married woman. The trip to IKEA to lug 2 medium sized carpets and sumbat them into my mom’s car, to Subang to get my outfits, then to Shah Alam to get my things *hey, weren't we supposed to be getting the Bride's things?* where she promptly fell asleep for a bit, then drove all the way to Rupini's in Bangsar to make an appointment to inai her hands. Then lunch at Devi's, with white rice swimming in fish curry, mmmm, yummy!

3. The rainy New Year's eve when Eileen and I had to go to Pantai Dalam to pick up the inai lady, Guna, to drop her off at Afti's for the inai session. Then the mad accessories shopping in Section 14.

4. Waking up at dawn to write the speech for Afti's night reception (of which I had to scrap and write an entirely new one about 3 hours before that majlis, and of which I didn't even read during the reception due to extreme nervousness, and constantly trying to keep my jantung in its place). But I did read it at last, in front of the married couple, surrounded by some of their closest friends. I doubt that was my best work, but I hope you guys liked it.

5. The constant restyling of hair the morning of nikah as hair refused to behave. And Eileen grumbling due to lack of beauty sleep criteria, who get's married in the morning anyways?

6. The akad, which got all of us teary eyed, and laughing when one of the saksi went "Cemerlang!" instead of "Sah!" after the lafaz was being said. And them forgetting about the sarung cincin part, then Jai had to go and take his wudhu all over again.

7. Jai and Afti looking their happiest, and with the most glowing faces I've ever seen. *sigh*

8. Meeting ex-headmistress who still calls us Puteris *shudders*. Yummy food during the afternoon reception.

9. The night reception: Heavy Rain, Extreme Nervousness, Afti looking absolutely beautiful, late start, helpful and selamba PA system guys, huge crowd of friends, Extreme Nervousness, long buffet line, bride & groom walking in to M. Nasir and Siti Nurhaliza's “Bagai Sakti” , Eileen & Josh's superb voice, confidence, & superstar qualities, the schweet 12-minutes video presentation to Josh Groban’s “You Lift Me Up”, Bryan Adam’s “Too Good For Me” and Celine Dion’s “Then You Looked At Me”, Extreme Nervousness, Photo Sessions, Best Wishes from friends, the wedding cake that was a little bit err hard to potong, the newly weds mingling with huge smiles on their faces…
All in all, can I say that it went OK? Despite my Extreme Nervousness?

10. The final photo sessions on the pelamin with close friends and families, and chatty-chatty after-party minglers cum new friends of moi ?

I don’t think I’m doing any justice to the memories of your wedding la Totz, but this is as how I remember it. We’ll refer to Iskandar’s photos nanti for a more photogenic rendition of the wedding ok..

I had a great time tho’…nerve-wracking and exasperating at times, but all in all, that was the highlight of the past year, and a very good beginning to the new year. Now, as I type this out in the office, I’m thinking, sheesh, there’s nothing to look forward to anymore this year, and suddenly, I feel hollow..empty inside..

Have a great life together Mrs Jai and Mr Afti, semoga berkekalan ke anak cucu. You guys were made for each other ?, I don’t think anyone else can put up with any of you for that long and for a longer time, still to come *despite whatever transpired during the phone conversations pre-wedding, ok Totz* I still remember the first unofficial date, some of the outings I shared with you guys, the tiny quarrels, the first breakup, the constant gushing over the phone of how Jai is soo good looking, and well, lotsa other things. You guys did have 5 years, you know. So now, go ahead and create more years of memories aiight! I’m just looking forward to pitter patter of tiny feets, screaming “Auntie Dalie, Auntie Dalie!” in the next 5 years or so *winks*

And so, we come to the new year..new resolutions? Maybe…we’ll talk it over in the next post.

But one thing is certain. Monday night, I spent 15 minutes deleting every sms that I received from whatshisface *as my cousin calls him*, and I went to sleep smiling, confident that God has better plans for me, insya-Allah.

I have, finally, moved on.