Now that THAT corny post is out of the way...

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

- Lifehouse's "Blind" -

In the attempts to get my life moving again, chewaah, like it was very stagnant before la kan *rolls eyes*. Me and my dramatics. Although, last weekend I saw Sharifah Amani on a talk show talking about how her mother is so dramatic at home, and i thought, hey, i wouldn't mind being a dramatic mother :p should make life at home a little bit more interesting hehe..

Err, where was i? Oh yeah, moving my life..The aftermath of dancing an Indian solo for the annual dinner is that *other than losing weight and dignity* is that now, everyone else thinks you're a good dancer and try to rope you in for other performances. Hello??? Didn't you guys see the exasperation on my dance choreographer's face in trying to teach me the moves? Or maybe you overlooked him pulling out his hair in bunches while trying to get me to hop, skip and jump in the right places (not to mention those tricky hnd manoeuvers, which i swear, i could do in my sleep now)? And, didn't i mention that my quota for the stage, gaudy Indian dresses and flashy and chunky costume jewelry is full up this year?!

Hmmph. Well, guess who would be dancing for the annual Deepavali celebration this year in a pantomime musical?

But this time, its not as bad, and i'll only be dancing for less the time it took the previous one *i think*, and i'll be dancing with two other luminous girls who can do it soo much better than me that i can't stop cringing every time i see them. But all is good. The steps weren't as corny, and the song? I've always liked Bole Chudiyan :) Plus, we'll be doing this stick dance to a Tamil song, and regardless of its high-pitched instruments, the song got stuck in my head the whole of last weekend! Now, i'm just hoping that the show will not flop, as even though the hero can't dance for bits and is banking on that to make people laugh, i really hope he can save this show by showing whatever acting talents he have.

So, it was during this Deepavali practise that I received a call from an unknown number. Caller revealed, she was Nani. Hmm, now, I only know a few Nanis, so the first few minutes I was sifting through my memory, trying to recall which Nani is this, all the while trying to see if i recognize the voice hehe.Turns out it was my UK roomie, Ainor's best friend! and bless her, she has free tickets to see the sneak preview of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe! yahoo!

Now, did i mention that i only have like, 20 cents in my wallet? So there i was trying to tell her that i'm broke, and i really have to get home. And she told me that her cousin, who came along for the movie, can send me back home cuz he's staying close by. I hemmed and hawed,and the thought of watching a movie not yet released to the world kinda overpowered my sanity, so i said yes! and spent my last 2 ringgit on gardenia buns and a Komuter ticket to Midvalley :) Did i mention that i do not know who this cousin who's supposedly going to send me back home? Yes, i was nuts!

I met Nani, her siblings and her cousin, and her cousin's girlfriend at the foodcourt. Get this: Nani's cousin is actually my cousin's boyfriend. He works for Malaysia's major energy provider, hence knows many, many of my uni friends. My cousin, on the other hand, studies in Germany and knows my friends, Cik Digha and Put there as they were her seniors. Nani's younger sister, is studying in UITM and knows my dad's friend's daughter whom i just met on Saturday (and exchanged hair care tips with :p). And Nani, used to go to this primary school in PJ, hence knows my desk partners and many of my schoolmates.

Can the world get any smaller??

Anyway, the movie? Was quite awesome. Although, in my opinion, some of the scenes kinda falls flat on my expectations. Nevertheless, it was the fantasy that kept me glued to the oh-so-great seats. Remind me again, why i don't watch movies? It was my first experience being in a sneak preview show, so i was quite amazed at the fact that you have to surrender your camera phones and video cameras and whatnots before the show. I surrendered my phone, unwillingly and suspiciously (taking down the name of the guy in charge of taking care of it should anything happen), and totally forgot that i actually carried my camera in my handbag :p Yeah, like i would shoot a picture in the dim theatre. Pfft.

All in all, i had fun. Drove back home with the cousin, chatting all the way, and persuading her to take some chocolate cake back home, remnants of my parents' wedding anniversary cake. I could get used to this hehe...who wants to watch Prime with me next?

Besides, i think i need to live a little sometimes, don't you think?

Told you I’d be back.

And I'll let you know
When it comes, when it comes
I'll let you know
But don't stay up for me
Don't wait up for me
If I'm not home

- Tyler Hilton’s “When it comes” OST One Tree Hill -

I start the day feeling very, very guilty.

It was a rainy morning, and as i got out of the Komuter, i realised that i didn't want to get soaked so early, so i took the alternative route underground. The path taken was quite sunyi, but i just went on, clickety-clacking on my faithful sandals. Then i saw a young man, in a red striped polo t-shirt with a black backpack ahead of me. As i got nearer, i realised that he was holding a white cane, and was tapping the pavement, a blind young chinese man. I was quite curious as to where he was headed, because it seemed he was going to the carpark area. He even hit a bunch of railings at the end of the path, and changed directions.

I saw him tap his way over a kerb, and then around a huge column. He seemed to have lost his way, and yet, i didn't even help him. I didn't go up to him to ask him if he was lost, or if he was going the right directions, or if he needed any help. Part of me was prolly confident the HE was confident of his way. Another part of me didn't want to embarass him by offering help, he might have known where he was headed. Then, 2 young men came from the opposite directions as i passed the blind man, and when i looked back, i saw one of them holding the blind man's arm, talking to him.

I felt so, so guilty. Ya Allah, please forgive me, if there ever is going to be a next time to this encounter, insya-Allah, i'll do my best. I don't know what came over me today.

But this has put my life into a smaller perspective. Over the past week, i was grappling with this major issue that has been my boon and bane for the past 6 months. The incident this morning has put all that 6 months into a smaller than needle-hole perspective, and has made me realised that there's more to life than what has happened.

See, i fell for a guy about 6 months ago. He, as it always goes in my head, was perfect. He looked pleasant, he was pleasant. He holds on to his faith as a man should, and yet retain boyish traits that are so charming. He was charming, sweet, funny, intelligent, and a friend. Someone i could talk to, without feeling overly nervous with.

Then i found out that he knew i had feelings for him. Then i found out that he's not able to reciprocate them. Then i found out that he knew about it all this while. And then, i found out that he thinks i deserved someone better, someone who would love me. And yet, that didn't stop him from being so nice and sweet to me.

That was when i stop to stock take my life. The past 6 months has prolly seen me at my best. I guess that's what happens when you are faced with someone you *might* truly love. You try to be the best version of you. Faith wise, my prayers were more meaningful, and each action carried a consequent thought process of what the other party might think. In short, i was smitten and thought he was ACTUALLY the one.

But i guess not. So for the past week, the inventory list that i come up with consists of these items:

1. I still have his friendship, if not his affection, for which i'll always be grateful. It's going to be hard to see him, as just another guy, as i've put him on such a high pedestal before. But the fact remains that he's only human, perfectly flawed.
2. I still have friends who have faith in me, surprisingly enough. They've seen my bumbling self try to make sense of whatever's happened, and yet, they're still behind me. Its sweet how they try to tell me the truth, and yet they know it hurts, so in an instant, they try to cover it up. But hey, i think i've been through worst, and might go through even more worse things in life, so this tiny bit? will not kill me, and can only make me stronger kan?
3. At least my life can go on now right? I don't know why, but i felt as if my life was put on hold for a bit before this. I guess now I can let things flow smoothly again.
4. Insya-Allah, my emotions would have gotten off its roller coaster coach by urrmm..next week :p i still get the occasional flutterings, and tiny aches, but i'm also constantly praying to be stronger so, hopefully that will be sorted out soon. However, it does not help to see that the object of the affection get friendly with other girlfriends. But, strangely, i've been greatly blessed with happenings that was able to take my mind of those things.
5. I have not entirely sworn off him. I still keep a reserve of affection within me. Idlan puts it best: "the only person I am in love with at the moment doesn’t love me back, so you could arguably say that yes, I am in the throes of the only kind of love that lasts forever: unrequited. ". Did i ever tell you guys i love this awesome writer? so, yeah, it's still there, deep inside.

Unrequited love, is in a way (in my opinion), the perfect kind of love that exist. It is love at its most unselfish, unprejudiced, and untainted by anything remotely hateful. It is falling for another being so perfectly formed, that its enough to just be in love, and not getting anything from it. Love without any expectations but filled with hopes and dreams. And boy, does it hurt. But then again, that's the only love that i've encountered so far, so i couldn't possibly know what it feels to love and be loved in return kan? Right.

So, anyhoo, short of exposing my extremely corny self *wait, that has already happen kan*. Well, short of totally, totally baring my soul *baring my soul would mean, everyone knowing what i actually think of a certain ex-boss of mine ;)*, i guess what i'm trying to say or convince myself is, that i have moved on. Finito.

Whatever happens after this, will be the "Alice Through the Looking Glass" to my "Alice in Wonderland". God, i've been meaning to use that line since last week.

So, moving on i am. I hope i'll have the strength to face anything that's coming, accept them and move along. The reason why i jot all this down is for reasons unknown even to myself. Maybe i would like to, one day, look back at this post, and go "God, i was soo dumb"...maybe just a reminder of how naiive i was, or maybe how wonderful the feelings lasted while they did.

And to remind me, that life in its entirety is too huge, too universal, too mighty for trifle things like this.

Sadaqallahul'azim.

This is a test transmission


I am craving for hot coffee right now. A few days ago, i smelt hot coffee in an air-conditioned environment, and it brought me back to my very short days in London, where the air is constantly perfumed by the smell of coffee, cigarette smoke and bus fumes. Coffee, the black type, not the mochachinno or caramel latte or the ice-blended type always concocts the image of importance/significance to me: in a busy workplace, or the airport where busy business travellers rubs shoulders, or a busy student cafeteria where everyone meets for discussions. I guess i'm prolly feeling melancholic, and although coffee once makes my head swings 360 degrees on its imaginary axis, i can't help but crave for it today.

This is a test transmission brought to you by Kopi Kluang.

I'll be back.