What's the remedy for a heavy heart?

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again..

- Al Green's "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" OST Notting Hill -

Selamat Hari Raya, and Maaf Zahir Batin everyone :)

Somehow, Raya this year seems like a diluted version of the fun ones i've had before. I could attribute it to an older age, i could attribute it to what happened during the fasting month, or i could attribute it to the clarity i possessed in viewing the antics and behaviour of the people i loved.

I guess maybe the cliches i've been reading in English books are right: holidays do bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe i was blinded by the festivities before, that i never noticed it properly. Or maybe, the years have accentuate certain behavioural traits that i abhor in other people, me notwithstanding. Frankly speaking, i was very annoyed Raya morning, and this annoyance stayed with me for a couple of days. I suppose there's not much you can do to change other people to suit you, especially if you seem to have MORE issues than them, but i always believe that if each and everyone treat each other civilly, the world will be a much, much, much better place.

Then again, i experienced the joys of hanging out with beloved cousins, exchanging stories, gossips and advices, HUNDREDS of photo sessions (all over the kampung's most scenic spots that we can find aka tangga rumah makcik sebelah, pokok sireh and jendela kayu yang reput), feasting on good and not so good food, and yes, collapsing into bed together after all those merriness. Those, i would not trade for the world.

Lately, i find myself not being content with what i have. True, we should always strive for the best and not be mediocre, but i was at peace with myself a while back. Now, i have a few heavy things piled up on this little head of mine, things i shouldn't even be bothered with, and yet they are bugging the hell out of me. I find myself praying for 'ketenangan diri' even more these days, as if the world has gone topsy turvy on me. Or could it just be pms?

I'm quite angry at myself for not being able to update my blog regularly. A few things have happened that i want to keep a record of, and now they're just faint memories. Insya-Allah, i'll work harder at this. I keep telling myself to just set aside some time each day for things that matters other than work, and i'm still trying to listen to my own advice.

The fasting days are over, and now i'm faced with the prospect of having breakfast alone, now that my breakfast buddy cum new best friend have left me high and dry. Which led me to another grouse: I find myself not being able to share as much with others as i did with her..why is that? she was only in my life completely for less than 6 months, and now i feel that no one's good enough. I wake up from sleep in the morning, with the remnants of a dream that i want to share with her lingering, and i cannot see myself sharing the dream i had with others. Why? Doesn't that make me ungrateful for having the many, many other wonderful friends i have? I have resorted to calling her up everyday, rendering me a clingy and desperate person.

Maybe i'm just an angry, angry person inside with no outlet. Or maybe, i crave attention on a level bordering paranoia. Or maybe, just maybe, i need to go away for a bit. Just to recollect my thoughts, and find myself again.

Then again, maybe its just the melancholic ambience of an empty office devoid of people who left on extended Raya breaks that's making me feel restless and sitting with a heavy heart. I guess i'm still looking for a remedy to this.

In the meantime, just my prayers will have to do.