Recap.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha

- The Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha"(feat. Busta Rhymes)-

(Unfortunately, this is my anthem for the day, haha!)

I realised that my posts recently are a little bit gloomy, and i have only myself to blame for. Its ok, i'm allowed a few gloomy patches, as generally, i have a GREAT life. I may not have as much wealth, success, knowledge or stunning physical attributes for that matter. What i do have is a family who's always by my side, despite me thinking that sometimes they purposely go against me just to annoy the hell out of me. I have glorious friends who care enough to spend bits of their time with me, despite their busy schedules and commitments. And basically, I have this...life...this ongoing gift that deserves to be celebrated, as the clock is endlessly ticking, and we might not know when our time is up. So rejoice, live and love as much as you can. You only have this time, now, to do it :)

I know i kept on trumpetting the fact that I have all these great people around me, but I need to constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have. Sorry if i'm inducing puke :p

Yesterday, I had a good day at the office methinks. I cleared a few things, had the first division meeting with the new boss, i even arrived early :) To recap the whole day, my cousins called me up and we had this 3-way conference call going on, which was hilarious. They are among my favourite cousins, and i can be totally gila with them. So there we were, trying to wrangle tickets online to watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire on the first day of the screening. *Its tomorrow y'all, woohooooo!!!!!!!* My older cousin was trying to book for earlier shows, but i can't make it cuz i'm working and they're on leave. Fine, then i suggested the later shows, around after 6 pm and my older cousin said, no, she's got to go into work at 12am. Fine, what about 5pm then? Alamak, their younger sister who's working and studying as a nurse got classes la pulak, which prompted my older cousin to mutter distractedly "Tuang je laa..." My other cousin, was just laughing her head off the whole time. She wanted to drag along her guy friend, to which i shush her up by saying, "tak payah laa, kita-kita je" :p i'm mean, i know!!!

Finally, we're settled! We're gonna be watching Harry Potter at 5pm tomorrow y'all!!!!!! All I have to do now, is to find a way out of my office approximately, an hour before I usually get off...hmmmmm....

Activities lined up for moi includes:

1. Jazzercise tonight at 8pm. Anyone interested? Let me know k..the more the merrier, and the more people in the class, the less Intan could see that I'm using lighter dumbells hehehehe...

2. The search for the ultimate outfit for Reenita's wedding this Saturday, of which I'm going as a committee member, hehehe...The theme colour is pink, and since i'm part of the programmed couples to be dancing along to the first song, I gots to looks good kan? Yeah, we're just a bunch of attention seeking new officers. I told them my quota for the stage, fake eyelashes, and gaudy Indian outfits are full up this year, and yet, i'll be shaking my booty to "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder this Saturday night..Wonder how that's going to turn out? anyway, i've run out of ideas on what to wear and where to get them. I better get a Malay outfit ready as a standby *sigh* Oh no, that would make the third time i'll be grooving on the dance floor in a kebaya!!!! eeekss, the horror! and sheer ketidak-sopanan :p

3. I've been nominated to be one of the usherers for our yearly Raya gathering in this agency. Hmm, tulaa kalau kerja kerajaan nie, you actually have time for all this rinky dinky activities :p but i don't mind..i need to mix and mingle with more ppl here, before i disappear completely behind the hills of files on my desk (which happen to be growing daily!)..and gots to looks good for that too ;) haha!

4. Harry Potter tomorrow y'all!!! woohooo!!

5. Ira n Ted's wedding this Sunday.

6. Ultimately, my little makan-makan session. This is an invitation to those who know me, who should know how to get in touch with me, to come! Not many are rsvp-ing their attendance, so to those who know me (of whom i may not have your contact numbers, sorry!) pls, pls, pls get in touch so i can properly invite you :) its not a big bash, just a small gathering of familiar faces i've missed all this while. People i know from schools, unis, overseas, ex-offices, and generally people who've had substantial contact with me all this while.

Ok, that's a little bit too much. I'll end with: How do you know you're having bipolar disorder?

:p

Have a great day!

Tak usah kita fikirkan hujung perjalanan ini

Mungkin memang ku yang harus mengerti
Bila ku bukan yang ingin kau miliki
Salahkah ku bila Kau yang ada dihatiku

Adakah ku singgah di hatimu
mungkinkah kau rindukan ada ku
Adakah ku sedikit dihatimu

- Maliq & d'essentials's "Untitled" -

The song above is by Maliq & d'essentials, this talented Indonesian group whose CD was picked up by my sister on her trip to Jakarta for its cool sounding vibes and jazzy sounds. This is actually a first for me; jazzy Indonesian songs. Results: Very relaxing and quite sexy as well :p

The lyrics above, well, given my current disposition as can be testified by close family members, is what's causing the perpetual moodiness and general helplessness that causes me to go "oh whatever" to anything anyone else says to me.

However, at random moments, I cheered up and revert back to my konon-perasan bouncy self :p The early morning phone calls from Reenita just to say hi, the early morning gossiping with the new best friend, the crowd of people sharing murukkus in my room while i frantically tried to finish up some work, the couz on the line with her latest comel dilemma, my sister's childish voice screaming in my ears whenever i told her i'll be coming back late, my brother's shock of tangled curly hair in the morning, the delightful lunch session i had with Elly yesterday, and the prospect of a good makan-makan session on Friday. Plus the fact that i've cleared a substantial amount of files on my desk :)

And of course, encounters online and offline, of which i'm eternally grateful, but also, of which, lifts and swells my heart to unbelievable proportions and just as quick, punctures it till it lies limp at the bottom of my stomach.

And yet, i preservere, i say my prayer of thanks, and i smile...what else can i do?

I need to snap out of this. I need CONSTRUCTIVE activities to fill my time up with. I need to think less of THAT and more of ME :) I need to go out more, methinks..anyone up for a rendezvous? just tell me what u want to do, and we go do k..it doesn't matter what as long as its something that i can sink my teeth into. Err, nothing x-rated pls :p

And by constructive activities, i don't mean accompanying a certain family member to go skulking around an ex-boyfriend house, trying to see if his car is there, then zooming off quickly upon seeing his dad's car. Actually, it was quite hilarious, but sad really. Especially for current boyfriend who worships her, and unfortunately, its the ex that she keeps thinking of. Be strong dear, life's like that. God has a reason for everything that's happened.

A piece of advice i strongly need.

Have a good day everyone and try to cheer up those ppl around you. You might make their day :)

What's the remedy for a heavy heart?

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again..

- Al Green's "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" OST Notting Hill -

Selamat Hari Raya, and Maaf Zahir Batin everyone :)

Somehow, Raya this year seems like a diluted version of the fun ones i've had before. I could attribute it to an older age, i could attribute it to what happened during the fasting month, or i could attribute it to the clarity i possessed in viewing the antics and behaviour of the people i loved.

I guess maybe the cliches i've been reading in English books are right: holidays do bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe i was blinded by the festivities before, that i never noticed it properly. Or maybe, the years have accentuate certain behavioural traits that i abhor in other people, me notwithstanding. Frankly speaking, i was very annoyed Raya morning, and this annoyance stayed with me for a couple of days. I suppose there's not much you can do to change other people to suit you, especially if you seem to have MORE issues than them, but i always believe that if each and everyone treat each other civilly, the world will be a much, much, much better place.

Then again, i experienced the joys of hanging out with beloved cousins, exchanging stories, gossips and advices, HUNDREDS of photo sessions (all over the kampung's most scenic spots that we can find aka tangga rumah makcik sebelah, pokok sireh and jendela kayu yang reput), feasting on good and not so good food, and yes, collapsing into bed together after all those merriness. Those, i would not trade for the world.

Lately, i find myself not being content with what i have. True, we should always strive for the best and not be mediocre, but i was at peace with myself a while back. Now, i have a few heavy things piled up on this little head of mine, things i shouldn't even be bothered with, and yet they are bugging the hell out of me. I find myself praying for 'ketenangan diri' even more these days, as if the world has gone topsy turvy on me. Or could it just be pms?

I'm quite angry at myself for not being able to update my blog regularly. A few things have happened that i want to keep a record of, and now they're just faint memories. Insya-Allah, i'll work harder at this. I keep telling myself to just set aside some time each day for things that matters other than work, and i'm still trying to listen to my own advice.

The fasting days are over, and now i'm faced with the prospect of having breakfast alone, now that my breakfast buddy cum new best friend have left me high and dry. Which led me to another grouse: I find myself not being able to share as much with others as i did with her..why is that? she was only in my life completely for less than 6 months, and now i feel that no one's good enough. I wake up from sleep in the morning, with the remnants of a dream that i want to share with her lingering, and i cannot see myself sharing the dream i had with others. Why? Doesn't that make me ungrateful for having the many, many other wonderful friends i have? I have resorted to calling her up everyday, rendering me a clingy and desperate person.

Maybe i'm just an angry, angry person inside with no outlet. Or maybe, i crave attention on a level bordering paranoia. Or maybe, just maybe, i need to go away for a bit. Just to recollect my thoughts, and find myself again.

Then again, maybe its just the melancholic ambience of an empty office devoid of people who left on extended Raya breaks that's making me feel restless and sitting with a heavy heart. I guess i'm still looking for a remedy to this.

In the meantime, just my prayers will have to do.