Cinnamon sticks makes me happy

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

- Gavin Degraw's "I don't wanna be" OST One Tree Hill -

I have a few thousand files on my table, and the only things that I can think of is:


Why do I fear the competition?

Why don’t I have the confidence and right amount of self esteem?

Why is it when I fall for something, I fall really hard, hurting myself in the progress? And why is it that I put everything else on such a high pedestal that I can’t even dream to achieve any of it?

Taken from an episode of “One Tree Hill”:

HALEY: I’m a real person. I have feelings, I have problems, I feel
vulnerable, and self-conscious and I’m just like every other person.

NATHAN: I know that.

HALEY: Well what happened to sex just being magical, and being this
amazing expression of how much you love someone? These cyber girls,
they’re just like triple jointed and waxed, and always turned on, and it’s just a
lie.

NATHAN: I understand that. It’s just a fantasy.

HALEY: Is Peyton a fantasy, too? (He closes the lap top. Haley nods and
starts to leave)

NATHAN: You know, it’d be nice if a guy could have a little privacy in his
own apartment.

HALEY: I can’t be Peyton for you. I can’t be those girls. I just, I won’t.

NATHAN: I don’t want you to be.

HALEY: Are you sure about that? Because - (She takes his hand and kisses it)
I gave you my heart. That’s all that I can give to you. And if that’s not
enough for you, then I’m not enough for you. (She leaves)

And that’s all that I can give…

Futbol Mondial

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

- Toploader's "Dancing in the Moonlight" -

I played futsal last night.

This is ME ok..me, who cannot run for her life, who can't barely kick a blade of grass, and who would look as out of place on a football field as Mickey Mouse on a John Woo flick.

But play futsal i did, and i have 2 sore knees to show for it *grins*

Did i mention the company i keep here is one of the best *insya-Allah, so far, Alhamdulillah everyone's real cool* that i've ever kept? We got kinda tight after 2 months of dancing together, and i think its prolly because everyone just kinda miss hanging out with everyone else, so someone came up with this Futsal idea, while we were having drinks one night (which was the last night we had dance practice, and everyone didn't want to leave just yet, so we decided to go for drinks).

So, Mr Z (who is incidentally, my part-time driver whenever i need to get back home pronto :p) coordinated a game last night, and so 3 cars, got lost on the way to Sports Unlimited *rolls eyes* ...but it was fun!!!!!!!!!!! majorly uplifting and adrenaline charging hehe..despite the fact that what i mostly did was to laugh my head off and run around like a headless chicken for a few games. There was about 25 of us there last night, and everyone kinda loosened up and started acting silly, and there were only 3 girls, so us girls had to stay on the turf most of the time to balance out the teams. I didn't manage to score a goal *haha, would be such an achievement if THAT happened* but i did manage to tolak the ball a bit, here and there. I guess during the dance practice before this, we were used to hanging out with each other, steaming in our sweat,so last night was prolly like other hot sweaty nights, with us drinking from everyone else's water bottles, and of course, with this bunch, pictures are definitely expected. As it is, i have 2 emails with large attachments waiting in my inbox. The night ended at a mamak stall *where else la kan, we're Malaysians, and sengkek ones at that :p* with a bunch of limau ais, as everyone is still trying to maintain their weight loss due to all those dance practices :p

I guess what makes me soo teruja about this bunch of new friends i made, is not because everyone is nice, mostly within the same age range and sekepala, not to mention everyone's new here, so we share this newness that comes along with a little bit of inferiority...most of all, what makes me treasure this whole experience and this whole bunch is that they are all MY friends..as in, they are friends i made, all by myself, without any help from anyone..i know it might sound silly, but previously, i've always thought that people *especially guys* are befriending me just because they are friends with my friends, hence they've got to be friendly and nice to me...i know it's VERRYYYY lame, and i'm sorry if anyone is offended, but that's my self-esteem talking...

and now, i know that these people got to know me as who i am, and despite whatever they see *or hear, cuz God knows i'm loud*, they are still around, still offering me lifts, still asking me out for breakfast, lunch or drinks, and my name is still on the Futsal list for the session next week *despite my mom screaming in my ear "tak payahlaa main Futsal tuuuuu!!!*

i am truly blessed :)

which makes it harder to even contemplate moving..i might even put forth my roots and settle down cuz as of now..

i'm bloody comfortable :)

*not to mention, i'm walking on sunshine today..and Tina, babes, best couzin in da world, it feels gooooooddd lalala....*

Missing

Those happy hours I spent with you
That lovely afterglow
Most of all, I miss you so

- Diana Krall's "I Miss You So"

I am currently missing someone so much, it hurts...and i've taken to listening to Diana Krall, Michael Buble and Tony Bennet's "Someday"...

i hate this...i hate feeling helpless like this, not that i have that much control in my life, but at this point, i'm neither here nor anywhere else...

just a short update, because i can't launch this elsewhere...

When it all comes down to this

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

- Padi's "Menanti Sebuah Jawaban" -

i have approximately 15 minutes to type out this entry, of which i'm sure is going to be draggy, but i just want to jot down something. I'm actually waiting to go on a trip to 2 other govt agencies today, and as boring as that sounds, well, sometimes these trips are interesting as you get to actually LEAVE the office, and see the outside world (instead of the piles of files that i'm trying to ignore on my desk). Then again, i have brilliant, brilliant company here, for which i'm eternally grateful.

Lately, my mind and emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. And it sure as hell is a long and bumpy ride. I feel tired and restless most of the times as a result of this. Sometimes i think that its not at all worth it, and yet at times i urge myself to push harder and to just defy everything that i thought was normal before. This "anjakan paradigma", for the lack of a better phrase, is something new to me, and here i am grasping the concepts, trying to implement what i've learnt. At times, i just want to yell out "Oh, sod it!!!!", but when i think of how happy i could be, i bow to whatever my mind is telling me at that time, and preservere.

How i wish i can get rid of this heavy feeling in my heart and just get on with my life. How i wish that everything is not so complicated and life is not so challenging. How i wish that i am less of what i am and more of what i am...

It's true what the authors in "The Rule of Four" said: People who learned by books could never reconcile with the idea that real life is not able to imitate the dramatic arc of which a good author can give to a great literary character. We see what we want to see, based on what we read. We yearn for the fantasies that comes with it, along with our hopes and dreams.

And yet, the real world is out there, just waiting for us, with its own fantasies, hopes and dreams...