Stare up to the sky...

Mungkinkah bila kubertanya
Pada bintang-bintang
Dan bila ku mulai merasa
Bahasa kesunyian

- Peter Pan’s “Mimpi Yang Sempurna” –

I have not lost any fondness for blogging, although, I did type out 3 different sentences before ending up with this one…I didn’t mean to leave such an ugly post before, but I need it as a reminder that rosy things don’t always exist…

It’s the eve of Maulud Nabi, and I am busy googling cheap budget apartments in London…yeah baby, I’ll be back! But only for a short while, so the arrangement of bumming in former home is not an option, as, I will have with me, 5, read that FIVE, giggly ladies ranging from an age where salsa dancing could be considered a daily activity, to those of the “salsa tu amende?” age…therefore, I need to look for a cheap yet comfortable pad for us…

To make things a little bit more complicated, these Golden Girls (yups, u got it, it consists of my mom, aunt and dentist…AGAIN) have plans for a roadtrip to Austria, which will take out a chunk of their stay in the UK, making booking apartments a little bit difficult….now, hmm…peruse this for a while….they very well got cranky on a 3 day trip to the Midlands last year, and now they want to squash up against each other on a 10 day European trip crossing how-many-countries?? Sheeshhhh…

Then again, I’m only there for the ride *grins*..i figured I HAVE to get on that kitschy Sound of Music tour before I turn 40, and this might be my only chance..then there’s the Open Air Theatre at Regents Park, and Mary Poppins, and Marksgate, and shoe shopping at Selfridges ..*sigh*…insya-Allah, that is if everything works out and I have enough moolah….

Speaking of moolah, my mind is stuck in the woods of ke-confuse-an….see, this company I work for? Have not paid me any salary…yep, they are huge, and of the IT field, yet they claimed that there’s an error in their system which didn’t permit them to pay me my salaray….wtf? i shall not go on here, as it feels as if the knife that has been twisted into my heart, was just wrenched out and grinded back in…..anyhoo, it made me feel kinda dumb cuz despite every advice given to me by my friends and family, I did pen down my signature on that offer letter….the confusions also came from loads of dead ends in job interviews…I’ve just about given up hope right now, as yes, I’m dying to leave this place, and yet, I have nowhere to go….the best part is, my mom keeps bugging me to send in my resignation letter just so I can accompany her on her daily errands, or just cruising around town….it does not help that she’s flying off to Jakarta this Sunday with my sis, and mentioned wouldn’t it be nice if I were to come along…grr…..

I can’t bear the thought of not working and earning….then again, I can’t bear waking up so the very early in the morning, only to be on my feet for 2 hours just to get to the office…and yet, there’s nothing new on the horizon out there for me to get my hands in…

I feel like standing in the middle of dead ends, even though, I know there’s a simple and rational way out of all this…I guess my emotional judgements are clouding my vision….in the meantime, I’ma keep on trying and praying…

My mom celebrated her 55th birthday 2 weeks ago…Happy Birthday Ma, I’m the luckiest person in the whole wide world to have you as my mom, and nothing makes me happier than to see you at your happiest... i know that you prolly have everything that you ever want right now (well, except for the red sports shoes and that Nose sandals, don’t worry, I’ll get them once this blasted company pay up my salary), and the only thing that would make you the happiest mom right now, is bouncing a chubby grandchild on your laps, which, I’m sorry I’m not able to produce yet….

so, as a gift I pray that you would have your health, murah rezeki, a happy life, a peaceful relationship with your husband and have all your wishes granted….i do hope that you, in turn, would pray that I let go a little, and try to accept another human being in my life, to love and to cherish, and to spend my lifetime with, who would take good care of me and provide me love and guidance…

Cuz, at this moment ma? Having a perfect life with you, means that I don’t ever want to let go…