Its that time of the year again.

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat some worms
Big fat juicy ones
Long thin slimy ones
See, how they wriggle and squirm...

- The Worm Song -

Anybody remembers that song? The Worm Song, was one of the insanely weird songs that us Girl GUides sang during those days, back when those turqoise blue pinafores were the height of fashion *not!*..don't get me wrong, i love my weird Guides songs! the one about Joe with his butter churner *so churn the butter with your left hand, chuch, chuch, chuch..* ..nemind, may not be making any sense here, cept only to fellow 1st and 7th Cos guides..

i guess the song, today, reminds me of how easy actually back then,it was for me, decision wise...i didn't have to make any life-altering decisions, as everything was planned by my parents..sure, i get the occasional, "ok, malam nie kita nak makan mana? 15!!! "...but, major ones? nada! so, i guess i was a little spoilt in that category, as i let things fall into place whenever any decisions are made for me, and i was certain at times, that everything would turn out for the best..as its my parents wishes kan, berkat la kot..

well, times moved on, and i find that the first time i had to make a major decision was when deciding which stream to go into in high school *yawn*..my parents, were like, its your choice..and i kinda thought it was cool, as they didn't pressure me to go into the science stream as that's where you want to be to be picked out for university entrances..err, then again, in my case, it wasn't...

deciding which uni and which courses to study for was also another decision-making milestone for me...well, suffice to say, i think i've learned that whichever uni or course i chose, it would have yielded excellent experiences...and i was very glad i chose what i did..alhamdulillah...

jobs wise? well, that also made me sat down for a bit, between those midday Phillipino dramas, and Malay series reruns post-graduation, to think about what i actually want, which direction my life should be in, and would the money cover my indulgences...nahh, the last bit was scrapped..as it turned out, i brought cheese sandwiches for lunch for a couple of months *tak kurus pun aku*..

deciding where to go for my Masters was, ultimately, the most liberating one..it was the one that gave me a sense of empowerment as i lug my heavy suitcases up the Underground staircases to move to where i thought my heart belong...

and now, the time has come once again....decisions, decisions...it seems as if a pattern has emerged..whenever July/August comes by, i find myself contemplating what to do, and weighing pros and cons..for three years in a row dah nie.. unfortunately, the same problem remains...

hati dan perasaan yang bertakhta di atas segala tingkahlaku dan kata-kata...adakah hati dan perasaan kali ini akan bertitah supaya tingkah laku dan kata-kata tunduk seperti masa-masa lalu? atau, adakah tingkah laku dan kata-kata akan mengendahkan hati dan perasaan untuk pertama kalinya? mungkinkah diam pengganti bicara akan menyelesaikan segala sengketa? atau, adakah sengketa cuma pergelutan emosi dan logika yang boleh dipadamkan dengan cita-cita melangit?

mungkinkah segalanya akan terjawab...?