My mind is playing a game of ping-pong, please excuse the break...

Bintang bintang di kayangan
Lembut sang bayu
Tanpa bulan di awangan yang tinggi
Tanpa bayangmu
Andainya tiada ketukan kayu

Jika mimpi dihapuskan
Hancurlah lagu
Walau kita dipisah laut biru
Walau kau jauh
Lihatlah angkasa
Kan terubat rasa rindu...

- Innuendo's "Nanti" -

you know how your thoughts floats in your mind...well, sometimes my thoughts float randomly in and out, and today, i think it would be acceptable to list them down, due to my current state of mind that can't construct a proper blog entry...but still want to share with the world all of its weird, weird nothingness..* i don't even make any sense *

- do any of you remember the series, Opah, back in the 80s? well, i actually still have recollections of the series...the serene Opah, with her wise words of wisdom, but at the same time, being a human and a mother, only wants the best for her children and grandchildren, hence, acting a little bit overbearing at times....the long-suffering daughter of hers, the becok Joyah, who's prolly that way cuz there's no one who listens to her, and her kids don't really care about her anyway...why this sudden mini reminiscence? i was just thinking about the soaps here on UK tv, Emmerdale, Coronation Street, Eastenders...and how they seem to be the staple diet of many tv viewers here...i would think that back in the 80s, Opah would be THE malay soap opera....prolly the first...i could be wrong here as well....oh well....

- why is it that i seem to memorize patriotic songs that were introduced/ sung back in school? why is it so hard for me to conjure the first few lines of "Jalur Gemilang" or "Keranamu Malaysia"..but its easy enough to sing "Sejahtera Malaysia" or "Setia" ? maybe its because the songs were fed into our minds at all times....i used to remember how, before the 8 oçlock news starts, they would play a clip of those songs...or in between shows, those clips would be shown...maybe that's why its easier to remember those songs...now, we get ads, ads, and more ads....i'm not against ads, as a matter of fact, i'm supposed to be an advocator of them, but maybe, with a little less adds, but more annoying songs in between, people would actually remember our patriotic songs? what's with being patriotic? well, sometimes, i guess we all need a little reminder of where we came from, and what we used to be, and being patriotic is a tiny step towards embracing our country, with all its shortcomings and triumphs...N.B...anyone remembers the Selangor song, when one of your primary school mates would sing "selamat di atas sasa.." instead of "selamat di atas takhta.."....hehehehe....

- earlier on i had wanted to post the lyrics to a certain Britney Spears song (!!) .. if words can speak, then the lyrics in that song can tell a million stories...most of which i have buried away, but at times, they keep resurfacing..so, i'm forced to ponder on them...not for long, i hope....i hate feeling this way...but as i progress with other songs from my playlist, i'm compelled to post lyrics of my most favourite group....at least it brings a smile....the default always works, and familiarity always works :)

- finally, can anyone tell me how to be content? to be truly content and to not feel inadequate? to not feel dumb, to not feel small, to not feel significant? to not feel upstaged? to not feel beastly? can anyone advise me on being happy for others? to be grateful for life's mercies? to be happy with minimal effort? to not wish unhappiness for others? now i know what it means to be belittled, now i know what it means to be patronized, not to be taken seriously, to be ridiculed, and to made to feel dumb...a role-reversal is bound to come at some point in my life, i guess...it makes me look back to how i've acted/behaved towards people in the past..and if any of you have been at the receiving end all those years, and felt the same way, i apologized, from the bottom of my heart..insecurity does that i guess, but we can't blame everything on that now, can we....look upon it, learn from it, and walk away with the lesson tucked neatly in the mind...

- sometimes i feel, it starts at the very bottom..you only reap what you sow, therefore, if what you plant is measly, then the results would be nothing right?

but what if that's not how the system works with me?

but it works for everyone else Dalie, you know that, and you saw that...

yeah, but that won't work for me, i'm different, not like them...

but what if you do the same, and be like them? don't you think you'll be happier in the end, more satisfied, more content, and inevitably, get what you want?

but what do i want?

i don't know, don't you think you're old enough to know that?

i don't know...all i know is i want them all, but minus the "bersusah-susah dahulu"...

well, then, you're only gonna get what you've been getting all this while...mediocre results, mediocre life, mediocre everything...is that enough for you?

isn't it?

i don't know, shouldn't you know the answer to that....?

i don't know anything anymore....


i need a traveling partner!! this is an outright advertisement and plea for sanity! anyone?


p/s: have you heard Jagged Edge sing "All OUt Of Love" ? lovely....the words ring clear and true..

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow can bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know