Leave, Live...

Pergilah sayang
Dirimu kan tetap daku kenang
Setiap malam berlinang airmataku
Jadi perangsang merindu mu sayang

- KRU's "Sayang" -


arrgghhh!!!!! serabutnye kepala! i dunno what to think? i dunno how to think! i dunno anything anymore....

well, at least i got one thing out of the way...had a talk with my boss this morning about leaving...had tears in my eyes, when she looked at me with concern, and it was on the verge of spilling over...thank god, she seemed ok about it...now, they're all laying out contingency plans on what to do when i leave...

yes, i'm leaving this bank...this beloved bank where i've spent a whole year of my life...hated it at first...couldn't wait to leave..i remembered telling few of my friends that i'd probably leave after 1 month..surprise, surprise...i lasted..even tho' there were a few successful interviews in between..somehow, i couldn't bring myself to leave earlier...sometimes i regretted it, other times, i'm just thankful to be surrounded by this really great crowd...am soooo gonna miss all of 'em...

i haven't quite made up my mind about where to go..oh, i know where to go allright, insya-Allah, akan pergi....tapi yang mane? di mane? i'm the most indecisive and fickle person I've ever known...i guess it comes from imagining what the future would be like should i made any conscious decisions...tapi, patutnye, kite serahkan pada Nya kan? whatever comes our way later, kita mesti hadapinye dengan tabah..it's one of God's many challenges to give u the strength, to mold you into the person u would be....

sometimes, when i sit around and start thinking about the future, i get really scared...can i do this? am i able to do this..? what strikes and saddens me the most is and will always be, the absence of my wonderful family and my dearest friends...such am i, attached to them, dependent on them, survives only with them...

maybe, this is the change for the better for me..i pray that it is..i don't wanna look back and think that this is the biggest mistake i've ever made...thank you so much cik kieli for your support and encouraging email..and thanks for getting in touch with those people there...i owe u one ;)

what's left now? live out the last days here...then what? i guess we'll see..

p/s: this may seem like a final entry, but it's not..it's actually what i'm really thinking right now..will update more cheerfully next time....