Crossroads

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

- Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" -

i'm facing my crossroads...

i know this day is gonna come..where i have to make a decision and stick with it...but how do i choose? how do i know which one will lead me to a better place..? i've prayed hard for these choices, and when they're finally presented to me, i panicked...i don't know what to think, i don't know how to choose...

it'll be so much easier just to let the authorities (read: parents) do all the choosing...but i know that that's just an excuse for me to get mad at them should things don't work out.....besides, what defines adulthood? the ability to make your own choice and to stick to them, no matter what...

maybe i think too much...i should be more flexible and just go with the flow...but which is the better flow...? what if things don't work out? am i supposed to leave everything and start anew elsewhere? then, when is all these running away going to end?

when i read the contents of the mail yesterday, thoughts of my family, friends, colleagues rushes through my mind...my mom thinks that i think about other people too much and that i care too much for what other people think...but i'm also thinking for myself...

should i take the plunge? but which plunge? should i plunge now? or later..? would it make any difference? what if the things that i leave are the "best i've ever had"? what if those were the best moments of my life? will i live out my regrets then..?

i believe in Qada' and Qadar and rezeki..if it's not meant for me, then it's not...God has something else lined up for me...it's just that at this moment..i'm peeking into the world of unknown, and so unsure if this is really what i want...is this REALLY what I want? would i be happy as i thought i would?? how do i know for sure..???!!! i guess i'll never know....

one feet is in the air and the other, is still firm on the ground...i'll let you know when i jump.. :)

Doomsday...

On a cobweb afternoon
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading how we'll die alone
And if we're good we'll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

- Audioslave's "Like A Stone" -

arrrgghh.....shit,shit, shit...takut!!!!!! i have this impending doom...i know my boss is gonna scream her head out today...at me!!! shittttt....camane nie?! i've done all i can to keep her temper low this past few months..and i know she's just gonna let it all out today! shit, shit! uwaaaa...nak balik!!!

i know die mesti bengang gile with ME today!!!!!! i know she hates it if her perfectly balanced world is slightly off.....macamane nie???!!! i don't think it's entirely my fault..maybe it was??!!! i don't know anymore!!!!!! all i know is, i'm sure gonna kena today!!!

am in no mood to blog....will do this later when i wake from the dead....

*** 4 HOURS LATER ***

alhamdulillah...she's not mad.. :) but i'm still on tippy-toes here...treading softly and carefully so as not to raise her wrath..ever...i know a dose of scolding is good sometimes...but i'm not good at receiving those...dunno why...maybe it's cause i'm the eldest, hence has always been right and have done all the right things....so, bile orang start to marah2...i guess i can't accept the fact that they're are challenging me and my supposed authority..but that's part and parcel of growing up..these things are supposed to make you stronger...

am gonna meet up my best buds for lunch at KLCC...aFToTz and Eileen... *big grin* haven't done that for quite a while, altho on sunday nite, did went out for drinks at Starbucks with the Eilmyster and gave her her belated birthday present...she's on a one-week break now, and can afford to spend some lunch-hour time with us...the Totz is on a sabbatical leave from reality, and hence, have loadsa free time between whining, complaining and folding clothes....

hehehhe...gonna pick up some Burger King for my pregnant colleague..kempunan pulak die nanti...later...

*smileys all the way*

Childhood friends...Revisited.

Bila ku lelah,
Tetaplah di sini,
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri...
Bila ku marah,
Biarkan ku bersandar,
Jangan kau pergi,
Untuk menghindar...

- Sheila on 7's "Buat Aku Tersenyum" -

hehehe..i guess, kalau dah niat dalam hati tu, if u already have the intention to do something, if it's granted by God, no matter how u tried to do the opposite, u'll end up doing what u intended to do..what am i babbling about..? well, last night, i was kneeling on my knees next to dad as he was showing me locations on a map...it was quite a while before i could get up and when i did, there was this pain shooting around the regions of my knee...once upon a tok kadok time, i injured my knee and had to wear a cast for 2 months (my olde friends know of this..it was waaay embarassing) anyways, after that incident, i was advised not to strain it (well, also to keep a low weight count so that not much pressure will be on that knee..but, never mind about that..;p)...so, it was this pain that i went to bed with, vowing that if it doesn't heal by the next morning, i'll get an MC and a much-deserved one-day holiday, hehehe...

alkisahnye...i woke up this morning feeling fine so decided to go to work..i had earlier on set the alarm at 6 a.m and woke when it rang..but thought, oh what the heck, i'm driving to work today, i'm not keeping my mom from going off earlier, i can afford to be late, right..so? zzz *snore, snore*...i reset the alarm to 6.15 a.m...and just as i was turning over in my supposedly-2 minutes -of-my-sleep-fuzzy-brain, i took a look at the alarm clock, expecting a few more minutes of snooze...7.11 a.m...oh, ok...7.11.....what?! 7.11??!!!! omigod!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i overslept by an hour!! and nearly missed Subuh at that!..so i rushed through, pray, shower, primp...but, even then, i was thinking, hey, i'm sure i can make it to the office by 9.00....

left the house at 10 minutes to 8..without any breakfast, mind you!!...called my colleague and told her that i might be late..hehe, she was ready to discuss the previous night's Diari Akademi Fantasia with me on the phone, but i told her that i'll talk to her later...and vroomed off..a few minutes later, i remembered that i only have about 2 bucks in my wallet..hey, no worries..i went to the nearby Petronas with the ATM and took out some cash..on my out of the Kedai Mesra i spotted chocolates...yumm!! i know, i know, i can hear some health freak screaming..so early?! but, bought myself a bar of Twix and munched on it while driving...takpelaa kan..altho' sometimes ter-swing out of control sikit...

i took the KESAS highway as i found out earlier this year that it's not congested in the morning..so, as i was happily speeding my way through, i was suddenly attacked by this pain in my tummy...whoops....luckily, there was an R&R by the highway, so i rushed out to the ladies...well, long story short...i made my way slowly to the nearest phone booth, called the same colleague..."Eh, I EL today ye..."....and made a u-turn back home...so much for going to work...

*sigh* kenapalaa jadi begini....

anyways, had some stuff sorted out this morning...and in the afternoon, i went to the local library in Shah Alam..now this library and i go all the way back before i even knew the virtues of a pair of spectacles...(as a matter of fact, the main culprit in my being bespectacled!! *hysterics..* )..when we first moved out to Subang and i was about 8, my mom used to take me the library in Shah Alam every Saturday afternoon..i guess, to develop the budaya membaca...well, developed it did, hehehe...for the next 7 years, i made weekly trips there, spent hours looking and choosing books to borrow, while my mom squeezed herself into those tiny chairs made for kids..she'll be like "cepatlaa.." wearily, like she's resigned to the sad fact that her daughter can't make up her mind for even 2 books...heheh, siann die....what started out as 2 books per week, the numbers climbed when i was old enough to have my own membership..my mom roped my whole family into having a membership, tapi i sorang je yang meminjam pun, ehhehe...by the time i was in Form 1 or 2, i was able to borrow 15 books in one visit...i remembered having to distribute the tower of books evenly between me and my mom as we struggle to make our way to the car...

at that time, i didn't have anyone to play around with in the neighbourhood..so i turned to books as my constant companion...i read all the time..some of the books i loved reading so much that i would borrow them again and again...and again, and yet again...i think it was in Form 3 that i stopped going...i guess, kononnye, i had to study for the PMR exams..besides, i think my mom pun dah penat spending her saturday afternoons at the library, and had found more exciting pursuits...so, the other day, i told my mom that i would like to visit the library again, just to see if the books i used to read a decade (!!!!) ago still exist...my mom was going "dahlaa tu, cukuplaa pergi library tu..." it was soo funny! she laughed as she told me she remembered at that time, i had my nose in a book practically EVERYWHERE i go, with my big round spectacles, and my pulled-back hair in a ponytail...i must have looked like a model nerd! ahhahaahahha......i remembered bringing books almost everywhere, in the car, yearly train trips to Singapore, even to restaurants, on our family's weekly Saturday Night makan..i even angkut a backpack full during a trip to Europe when i was 13!! buat sakit belakang je...but it's worth it :)

so today, as i walked into the library, the smell was so familiar that i couldn't help smiling..the llibrary still smells the same after all these years..the scent of old books..made my way to the Remaja/ kanak-kanak section (the key here is: selamba, ye puan2..) straight to the first set of shelves..and voila, i saw them...my childhood friends...they're all still there! i couldn't believe it! i was soo happy that i smiled all the way to the registration counter to register myself as a member, yet again...think i'm gonna borrow some large-printed books tomorrow...:)

*smile factor* - Band 8, Band 8!!! yaay! alhamdulillah... :)

Fly, Like A Bird..

You gotta find a way
Yeah, I can't wait another day
Ain't nothin' gonna change
If we stay around here
Gotta do what it takes
cuz it's all in our hands
We all make mistakes
Yeah, but it's never to late to start again (yeah yeah)
Take another breath
And say another prayer

And fly away from here
Anywhere
Yeah, I don't care
We'll just fly away from here
Our hopes and dreams
Are out there somewhere
Won't let time pass us by
We'll just fly

- Aerosmith's "Fly Away From Here" -


Kadang-kadang i lupa yang i'm actually working..i lupa yang i have a job, and every morning i make my way to this place in KL called my office...but pagi tadi, as i stepped out from the elevator to walk to my office, the smell that greeted me was almost exactly the same familiar scent bile i stepped out to my dad's office kat PWTC dulu...tetibe je terpikir, omigod, i'm actually have a job..(not a career yet, mind you..) ...macam tak percaya je...i ingat dulu, masa mula-mula masuk dengan trainee yang lain..i got close to another female trainee (kitorang 2 org je perempuan pun..) and she would say "rase macam bukan pergi kerja, rasa macam pergi course.." memang tak terlintas pun di fikiran masa tu, sebab i macam tak pikir ape yang i buat...sometimes, to stop myself from thinking negatively about something, i just stop thinking and just buat...Nike: Just Do It...

on the 1st August nie, genaplaa setahun i kerja kat bank nie...what have i learned? hmm, macam nothing much aje...but sometimes i surprise myself...bile borak dengan this old classmate of mine from uni who was interested in the job, macam banyak je yang i cerita...then again, my boss stated that kalau nak kerja kat sini, kena pandai kelentong...hmm, maybe my powers of meng-kelentong has improved? i wonder...

but, for certain, this is not how i want to spend my life doing...i know, i know..dah banyak kali sangat dah i say the same thing, over and over again...mungkin sebab i have to reassure myself that i need the change, mungkin to constantly remind myself not to be too complacent...

i want to go off...fly away...i need a change of air...tapi, am i brave enough to initiate that change? kadang-kadang rasa macam senang sangat stay kat bank nie...kerja pun tak banyak, balik pun tak lambat, the people here are super-duper nice (i'm such a sucker for nice-nice people..i love 'em!), the perks are good, cuma salary not appetizing sangat...my only grouse is that this place is soo jauh from home, and by the end of the day my feet aches so much from standing too long on the public rides on my way home...bile dah berjalan atas kaki yang sakit nie, mulalaa nak rasa moody and grouchy..by the time i get into my mom's car, i'm back to my grouchy self again...i don't like that...nie baru kerja setahun (not even) dah rasa penat sangat bile balik rumah...if this keeps up, kesian my future family...

fly away, fly away....not a good way to face your responsibilities, but an absolutely delicious way of running away from it...

p/s: tak tau kenapa, but terasa nak blog in Malay, bahasa ibundaku...unfortunately, tak menjadi sangat this attempt...nanti laa...buat betul-betul..siap dengan lirik lagu melayu lagi, hehehe :)

Finding Ravi In the Fog...

I'm every woman
It's all in me
Anything you want done baby
I do it naturally

- Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman" -

ugghh..sleeepynyee...*yawn*..got back late lst night..short of an hour of sleep..sheesh..

2 nights ago, i received a phone call..the girl on the line had this chirpy "hello" and i was figuring out who she was..i didn't recognise the number but thought that it was a call made from Subang..i said a cautious "hie" and she went "hie!" chirpily back..suddenly, i knew who it was..."Su-Li!!!!"...hehehhe...and there she went, cackling her trademark hysterical laughter....Su-Li's back in town for 2 weeks of her winter break and wanted to meet up before she left home back to Oz on Wednesday (tomorrow)...that's soo typical of these overseas friends..they wait until the very last minute then practically begged us to drop everything just to meet them up for a few minutes, when, actually, they had like, what, 2 whole weeks before and didn't even call us up??!! heheheh..but it's the thought that counts..plus she had excuses (don't we all..) so, we called up a few friends and decided to meet up at the SS 15 Mamak in Subang...

now, Subang was where i grew up and i declare myself an expert on the area (ahem, hehehe..) but i didn't know that the friendly looking Mamak/ makan2 area in SS 15 has turned into this dodgy, almost ghetto-like neighbourhood...i used to go the cybercafes there at night and not really worry bout my surroundings..but last night, it was rather scary and dark, not that many people around...i made my way to the supposed Ravi corner, and eh, wait a minute? empty space?? where's Ravi?! there were only Malay gerais there (and not the same friendly ones i used to frequent when i was younger..)

so i searched for Su-Li, couldn't find her, called her up, and finally saw her (with her younger brother as her escort, hehhehe..) we both decided that the place was too dodgy and proceeded to move to another spot..called up our friends and finally agreed to go to Gazebo...the place where overpriced teh tarik rules..it was funny when they handed us the menu and they listed all kinds of posh-sounding drinks and ice-blended stuff...Su-Li was commenting "they have ice-blended Milo?!"..after reading through their extensive menu, we turn blankly to the waiter and ordered limau suam kosong and teh ais!! so much for the exclusive menu!

the other friends are Rey, Soo May and the bubbly Prem...it was fun! i haven't had this kinda gathering in a long time, therefore i always try to make it to any..even tho' it invloves sacrificing my tidur malam...we stayed until midnight chatting and laughing our heads off...one thing i'm always amazed with us is the lack of self-consciousness when we start chatting in public..i mean, if we could only see ourselves..we're always loud (very UN-intentional) and definitely, ahem, graphic...we were too busy describing Mariah Carey's, ahem, anatomy, complete with graphical description, when i realised, hey, anybody could be watching us! oh, the horror!! hehehhe...

it was fun, fun, fun...and it was kinda endearing to see how we turned out after all those pinafore-braces-dorky specs-ugly hairdos secondary school years..well, some of us are still in that phase..but, look at them now...Su-Li's studying for a double degree in Law & Commerce in Melbourne Uni, Rey is in her final year as a Medic student at HUKM, Prem is also in her final year of Chemical Engineering in UM (and onwards to Petronas after that..) and Soo May is attached to Deloitte as an auditor with big dreams to make it in Singapore...but whenever we got together, it's as if we haven't stepped out of school yet...i miss those days...

on a more sober note, another reminder of the Powers of God and a reminder of how humble I should be...i am grateful for the strength he has given me and that i prayed hard enough for that strength...maybe it's not my rezeki, but as always, there must be a hikmah beneath it..i have to accept it and move on...i thought it would be hard for me to accept but, surprisingly, i'm okay...i thought i would have broken down in tears earlier on, but i find it easier to be sensible and to get along with my daily life..i won't stop praying, hoping, dreaming and wishing for it tho'...i guess, when the time comes, it will be granted to me...it's a good thing i've prepared myself for this..i don't want to think if i had not put any pros and cons into consideration...insya-Allah, someday, with the Grace of God, i'll be able to do it..in the meantime, i'm still here :)

The weekend that was..

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you're awake,
Are you calling out for me?

- Brian McKnight's "6, 8, 12" -

sometimes i wish i have one of those spiky things/gadgets like Batman has..you, know, those sharp pointed things he used to throw around when he wants to disable things...why? because even though the morning is serene, and cool just like today, some maniac still insists on zooming the streets of KL..mind you, its still quite early and i wondered what they were rushing for..perhaps they have the sadist satisfaction of watching people scurrying across the road before they actually mow these people down...
well, i was one of them scurrying across in my high heels and baju kurung...would it kill them to slow down just a little upon seeing people crossing the roads? maybe she was right...maybe we just lack empathy and patience and all those things that makes us such ideal citizens of this wonderful country called Malaysia...

my weekend was..hmm, interesting...i thought that i wouldn't want to spend my weekend learning to massage people's face..i thought that it would be a waste of time..then again, i would be wasting my time just vegetating in front of the telly, but at least, i would enjoy doing that..was even looking forward to some quality time with the idiot box...however, in my attempt to improve myself in terms of keeping my words..i dragged myself to my friend's beauty spot for a 2-day workshop on learning the know-how of becoming a Nadia Skincare product consultant...i now know how to conduct a face massage...any takers? hehehe..altho', when i practised what i learned on my sister, instead of becoming relaxed, she became annoyed.."ape nie...takde ape2 pun"..cheh, kids, what do they know ;p

discovered a yummy ice-cream cafe in Bangsar..funny how we've never noticed it, with its strategic location and bright yellow facade..was looking for a place to have some drinks when we spotted it and decide to have ice-cream instead...

watched Akademi Fantasia with her on Saturday night..it was the Saturday night concert where they determined who would be voted off...we had prepared ourselves in front of the TV with yummylicious rice porridge for dinner only to discover that at the end of the show..Rosma was the one who didn't make it...it was totally unbelievable, as she had real talents and her performance was almost perfect..even the judges didn't have much to comment on it..(especially that Sham from Kamikaze who seemed to reserve biting comments for the ladies, and less blunt ones for the men..which led me thinking..hmm...are we supposed to gauge his gender preference here..? if you know what i mean..*wink,wink* )...

haven't done this in a while...

*smile factor* - gave breakfast to the staff on Friday, thought i was broke, and went to KLCC to pay off part of my phone bill...tengok2...the balance was quite substantial to pay off more than i had planned..Alhamdulillah... Murah rezeki hari tu... :)

Condolences...

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

- Red Hot Chilli Pepper's "Under The Bridge" -

omigod...i was sifting through cik kieli's archives (can't get enough of this girl...she keeps me glued to the screen..thank you cik kieli for keeping my boredom at bay in the office!)..when i got this idea to search for "Dalie" on Google...tengok2, the fourth result was my blog! sheesh...that means this blog is soo accessible to the world...hmm..not that the name means anything tho....but it was kinda funny...omigod...when i type in aftotz...well,
you and you should see this...

it's lunchtime and i'm in the office updating...i'm fasting today and i'm not in the mood to hang around anywhere..lately, i've been feeling lethargic..i'm not sure why, but i find myself dozing off in the car on my way to work (btw, my mom drives me to the LRT, so it wasn't me at the wheel)..could it be because of my increased appetite..? which i find rather annoying because here i am trying my best to lose some weight, and there goes my appetite in a frenzy..hehhehe...right now, i'm craving..hmmm..hishh..tak boleh, makruh, makruh...

i'm ploughing through Patricia Cornwell's Black Notice these days..i hope to finish it by today..it's a very interesting read altho' i find that sometimes i'm quite lost..but i just continue reading until i can locate my bearings again...this book has been a delayed read...i started reading it about 2 months ago...then i stopped cuz i had to study for my exams..and right after that, i started reading Harry Potter and Tuesdays with Morrie, the latter being my Komuter read...and then, earlier this month i bought the Nanny Diaries, which i also read on the Komuter...and now..since about 2 weeks back, i started on Patricia Cornwell again...initially i wasn't sure what it was all about as i was too lazy to start all over again, hehehe....

the thing is...what i'm reading in Black Notice is similar to what our society is facing nowadays...well, the fear is similar..the book is about a serial killer who goes by the name Loup Garou or werewolf in French who murders people in a most horrifying manner...He would beat them up until they are beyond recognition and sexually assault them...however, Loup Garou is a deformed human being..he suffers from this condition that sees him sporting long hair all over his body, baby fine and blondish, hence the nick werewolf..his trademarks are leaving the hair all over his victims (result from shedding unintentionally) and he bites the soles and palms of his victims.. another significant trademark is stripping the ladies only to the waist,a psychological ct due to the fact that since he is deformed, he can't bear to see perfectly formed human beings, so by doing that he is reducing them to his level...btw, the book is an account of a medical examiner who works hand in hand with the Police Dept investigating the case..

hehe, i could go on describing it, but i'm not writing to promote the book... what i could relate to was the fear of the ladies..there's a serial killer on the loose who looks and behaves like a savage...for the past few weeks, we have been shocked by news of abduction of Canny Ong, the clerk from Johor, among others...Canny's remains were found charred in a manhole, and the clerk's car was torched...it's absolutely horrible that these are happening...it's just not safe to walk around anymore...ladies, especially, have to take extra precaution and to be alert all the time...and going out alone is not a very good option at this moment...

i don't know if there are any valid motives behind all these murders..but, whatever it is, death is not it's justification...it's unbelievable how people regard human lives nowadays...it's easier to wipe them off from the face of the Earth, it seems...and what about anger and stress that might have driven these murderers to their killing rage? are we so weak that we can't get a grip on ourself and seek for help? for, God Knows, it's much easier and comfortable doing so, then to live your whole life replaying your murderous act in your mind...by then, you would probably be sentenced to a lifetime imprisonment...

maybe mental health is the culprit here...then again, i could be wrong..anyway, my condolences to the families in grief..

I thought it was okay...

i'm holding on waiting for your call
it's simple but i can't explain this
i'm sinking down i feel like i could die
i'm falling off i don't know why

- American Hi-Fi "Another Perfect Day" OST Get Over It -

i'm staring and staring at the Blogger edit screen, willing my mind to think about more profound stuff that would woosh out of my fingers, instead of updating on my daily fluff...not working...i wish i have the guts to write about myself in a more revealing manner like other bloggers..not that i want to, but sometimes i'm compelled to share some things that i think are funny...but sometimes i just don't have the guts to..why is that? guess it comes from caring too much about what people say...but why is it that sometimes i care too much about some and not care about what others say..? why is it sometimes my priorities are soo crooked that i'm deemed uncaring...?

i've been quite an awful friend lately...it's been pointed out by a few of my dear friends...i guess it stems out from me cancelling plans at the last minute..it must be very annoying, for they will get all excited, and then i'll call up and say..hey, sorry, tak jadi...

no amount of excuses can erase the hurt at that point of time...well, i'm sure death would be a valid and solid reason...i guess i don't have a satisfactory excuse...my lecturer once said, people makes excuses because they are finding the reasons not to do certain things...as i reflect on my actions..is that why i came up with the excuses?

don't i care for my friends anymore..? then why the constant bailing out? a dear friend even gave me a new nickname : Dalie Mungkir...i laughed it off, said sorry and will try to not let it happen again..when inside, i was feeling wretched...i guess i never did analyse what the consequences of my actions are...some friends have been known to not expect anything at all if i start making plans for they know, 95% of the time...i would cancel them...

again i state, i have no satisfactory excuse..maybe i've given out too much that they are immune to those words...but what i can offer is my sincerest apologies...i'm not even going to promise that i 'll stick to my words for fear that they will not be taken seriously ever again..i'll shut up from now on...serves me right if my friends decided not to kisah about me again...

we'll see how far this goes...

Bangin...

And she bangs, she bangs
Oh baby
When she moves, she moves
I go crazy
'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings
like a bee
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs
I'm wasted by the way she moves
No one ever looked so fine
She reminds me that a woman only got one thing on her mind

- Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" -

Had a fun-filled weekend...went to see Ning perform live on HMI with him and her and a few of our friends...niceee!!! Thanks a lot Doc! never thought i'd be watching Ning perform life close up..duduk atas tangga lagi! hehehe..she performed M Nasir's Mentera Semerah Padi, a few of her hits and my favorite Whitney Houston's song, On My Own..Jamal Abdillah and Metalasia was the guest artistes..jamal was great! have never heard him sang live before, he sang songs from the movie Azura, and did a duet with Ning (Sandarkan Pada Kenangan and Seri Langkat)..and MEtalasia was, urmm, scary..hehehe...the lead vocalist had a perpetual scowl on his face that prompted us to applaud after his songs...takut die marah, garang sangat!! hmm, i thought it would be really grand if they sang Evanescence's Bring Me To Life, would have been explosive!! but they did some duet which was equally great itself...altho' our whoops and applause wasn't able to rival that of her fan club's...which led me to another query...hmmm, why are her supposedly-masculine fans of questionable gender?? it was kinda scary tho' hehehe...she made the comment "perempuan memang tak boleh cari makanlaa kat sini"...they didn't even bothered to offer help when our car was stuck in the parking lot..instead, stand around, look pretty in their well-groomed hair and outfit, looking equally helpless...sheesh...anyways, had the chance to meet up with Doc..charming dude... :) had a great time!

and late Sunday evening...accompanied my sister and her friend to Midvalley...didn't want to spend on anything except food and parking..but hey, put a girl and a shopping mall together and what do you get? shopping frenzy!!!! arrghhh..managed to spend 2 weeks worth of lunch..yikes! oh, well, it's back to cheese sandwiches from home again...

rushed home to catch Smallville and the new episode of Gilmore Girls (girly squeals!) and was just about to get ready for bed, when my sister and her friend came up to me and said (in a really small voice) : "kitorang nak gi kedai, beli diskette, she can drive Mama's car.." pointing to her friend, while that friend nodded earnestly...well, over my dead booty! so, in my pajama pants, i drove them to the kedai runcit, and rushed home where they were supposed to save images to those disks and then off to some late-night cybercafe to get them printed nicely for their presentation this morning....however, they found out that they didn't know how to transfer those images, and after a full shouting session with my brother on the phone (the only other person who uses the application) decided to get them photostated..and who had to rush out with her pajama pants again..?? yup, moi...dahlah the fuel was running low...i already had visions of myself by the roadside with a stalled car (in my pajama pants, no less!!)...

one good thing about staying near a uni is that somehow, somewhere, there's always a photocopy shop open (even tho' the guy doing the job is yawning widely and rubbing his eyes off )..well, that's what he did when he was photocopying, like, almost, what, the entire book (??!!!) of Bali designs that my sister had innocently handed to him..meanwhile, i nearly dozed off in the car...(well, i would have gone out, if not for my pajama pants..) and finally, an hour later...they were finished..itu pun, i had to yell at them for taking their own sweet time determining how to bind those pages.."besoklaa!! abang tu pun dah ngantuk dah!" my sis was muttering "next time i don't want to bring you laa..." well, hello !! who missed an hour of her precious sleep just to accomodate you first-year design students !! (hysterical...)

tapi kesian laa pulak...on my way downstairs this morning, i saw them sprawled among their project papers in the living room...dead asleep...

p/s: Burn got voted out! *sniff, sniff*...

Link it up...

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

- Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" -

i was reading ...this and this yesterday and found myself nodding at what was written...i am inclined to agree with these ladies, even tho' i've not personally gone through this thing called "relationship"...however, i do agree that women's expectations have risen over the years, and that men, while not in general, but a number of them, seems to have certain too-idealistic expectations embedded in their head of the ideal women they want to marry...which i shall not reveal, for it might invite a full head-on debate..and i also find that she has a say on this...(sorry cik kieli, was just testing this entry out..hope u don't mind!!)

hmm..has my expectations risen over the years? i still consider myself too young to actually go into a relationship that will lead to the jinjang pelamin...but i guess, over the years, i have accumulated expectations on what i think a life partner should have...but i tend to move along with the flow, adjusting them to the changes i go through and finally accepting the fact that no one's perfect...i've seen lots of heartaches that i tend to relax my views or not have a view at all regarding relationships...i guess i'm a little disillusioned....which led me earlier on to declare i have lost faith in men...oh well, aftermath of uni...but i've discovered that not all men are like that...the guys whom i used to regard as jerks in uni, has changed for the better and i've met and known some men who have totally dashed all my assumptions...kudos to you!!

back to those articles...i guess, like them, i've ensured that i'm not too dependent on others..well, at least i try not to be...i've reassured myself that i will be able to pick myself up, back myself up when things don't go right...being independent and trusting my instincts have proven to be empowering to me, altho' since i'm part of a family, most of my decisions also rely on their opinions...after all these years, i've suddenly realised that i'm preparing myself not to be hurt by others, to be able to live by myself and enjoy life alone should situation arrive that point...i don't wanna think about it..but sometimes it just creeps into my mind..."what if i were to live my life alone"....

and that is why my friends are soo dear to me...i know at this point if i've build strong ties with them, then maybe later, in their busy, family-filled life, they'll still have a few minutes that they can spare for me...in the meantime, i'm enjoying my life as it is and dreaming of what-may-come...

just like one of my favorite dialogues from Meg Ryan in U've Got Mail : "..but there's a dream of a someone.."..

p/s: nie pun experimental entry..was just trying the links...heheheh..didn't mean to offend anyone..so sorry to those yang terasa k...as u can see, i don't make that much sense, but what the hey...

Someone else's dreams...


(Never)
forget where you've come here from,
(Never)
pretend that it's all real,
(Someday)
soon this will all be someone else's dream,
this will be someone else's dream

- Take That's "Never Forget" -


aahh....

i've finally succumbed to the lures of revamping my blog and attaching the nifty tagboard..tp not that much difference pun..but, strangely, i'm enjoying it...hmm...however, everything is on a trial run here..we'll see if i'm able to keep this all up...

wasn't able to update yesterday cuz i was too busy preparing presentation slides for this training session that i was to give in the evening..the bank has taken in a few trainees and for the past month, various personnel from various departments and divisions have been giving short training session after office hours...so, this week and next week is our turn to give the training...being one of the rookie, naturally they hand it over to me..grr, grrr...hehhehe..well, actually, i've known about this for about a month already..but that didn't stop me from doing everything last minute...

but i think i've improved since those uni days..i actually had an HOUR before the session starts..my ex-groupmates would have been proud of me.. :) i made sure that my seniors were around, cuz i wouldn't be able to handle the Q & A session later..and so, it went quite well..well, there was this not-so-minor glitch that kept me flinching the whole time...i had saved my slides on a disk and brought it to the presentation room..when i opened the floppy i couldn't find my slides..i was like, oh s***...luckily, i had saved it in the bank's server, so i rushed next door with the IT support guy to download it again...didn't occur to me to get my other presenting partner to save it also, nope, silly me...unfortunately in the frenzy, we managed to save only one batch of slides...and the other one was the unedited and unfinished version!!! arrggghh...i could just slap myself silly then...but we went right ahead and finished the presentation..

the Q & A session came..and the golden question, soalan cepu emas came.."what are exactly your operations? "..somehow, i'm stumped...i couldn't answer the question properly...neither could my colleagues explained the fine details of what makes this job one of the interesting one i've come across..(oklaa, i don't like it..but i find it very interesting...)

i was thinking about it on the way home...what i told them was, that it's not very easy to explain it words..you have to be there, in the dealing room, to see what's going on, to hear what's going on, basically, it's a very hands-on job..no amount of reading or preparation can turn you into the perfect employee if you've never had the experience...

it just got me thinking...it's a wonder there are many who misunderstood us...who think we take things lightly, who thinks that our job is the easiest they've ever seen..hey, we're basically glued to the phone right? but there's so, so much more to that...i just wish i could impart the essence of the job to these trainees..but judging from their glassy-eyed look..i'm not quite sure if what i did yesterday amount to anything...

but i've missed those nervous twitch in my tummy before speaking in public, the shaky voice when i first start talking, the adjusting-the-volume-of-your-voice when you want it to fill the room, the way it changes according to the words...was glad that i could relive it again yesterday...

This is a short update that should come as an attachment to the previous one...as you can see, i'm finally experimenting with this blogger..i know, i know..a bit the too late kan...but, better late than never..so bear with me ppl...the links at the top are of my friends and those are experimentally linked to....i will, most definitely, put up other links, after i'm done dissecting this thingy...

in the meantime..i've got presentation slides to finish!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!

better get moving then..noodles...eh..toodles!

Freefall



Menuju Puncak
Gemilang Cahaya
Mengukir Cita
Seindah Rasa
Menuju Puncak
Impian Di Hati
Bersama Janji
Azam Sejati
Pasti Berjaya
Di Akademi Fantasia

- Theme song "Akademi Fantasia" -



waiting for the KFC to come...one of the perks of working here..the brokers almost always finds the opportunity to buy u lunch..and since i have a pregnant colleague who doesn't want walk to lunch, we'll have the lunch walk to us instead..hahaha...so far, i've had nasi ayam kampung, mcDs, KFC, briyani, mandarin oranges and raya cookies from these people..heheheh....

i was surfing around yesterday (when i was supposed to finish up my presentation slides for tomorrow...yikes! haven't done them yet! ) when i decided to look into the Akademi Fantasia site...i don't follow the series regularly but sometimes i find myself flipping the channel on or just catching the reruns to see what i've missed...i think the whole concept of the show is rather unique..am not too sure if they've done something like this overseas..a bunch of female and male young bloods who aspires to gain fame through the act of singing or dancing grouped and isolated together for a certain period of time...all the while showcasing their talents and broadcasting their lives only to be voted by the public to either stay or go off the show...

it's a very attractive marketing ploy by astro to gain more viewers...well, the contestants' concerts are held for the public and there's also an online forum on astro's website...clearly, the malaysian audience love these type of reality show..why do i say that? judging by the amount of audience bawling their eyes out when the recent contestant was voted off..hell, yeah! i was staring increduously at the TV screen while silently screaming "what is wrong with you ppl?!" then i remembered my ally mcbeal fixation and shut up...hehehhe...raw emotion sells here...and i think we are a naturally kepochi nation....besides, its wholesome entertainment...might i just add that i think Burn has a really nice voice.. :p

but what strikes me the most is the online forum they have on the website..it might as well be renamed as the "Let's Bash 'em Up" online forum...i mean..i took a look at a few entries, and i was soo shocked at the responses from its viewers..comments range from polite to horribly crude with a few vulgar words thrown in...not to mention that they seem to enjoy bashing these ppl up...it's totally unbelievable...they were making up assumptions and blindly accusing the contestants of several not-very-nice things...and comments on how ugly, or girly, or mengada-ngada/gedik are rampant...i mean, like, hello?! that's not what the forum is for obviously..it sickens me to read these things...

i'm not being goody-goody here...but it's just that the whole thing is closer to home, y'know? i mean, they could be one of our relatives, and people are making fun of them publicly for the whole world to see...kesiann...and i can't believe that astro is endorsing all these..i believe in the freedom of speech...however, this is mainly just taking advantage of the convenience provided...

hmm...dunnolaa...

btw..lupe lak nak shout out : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BEST-EST FRIEND, EILEEN HANA HASSAN!!!! MAY YOU FIND ALL THE HAPPINESS U SEEK!! SEMOGA PANJANG UMUR & MURAH REZEKI!!!!!

hehehe..wonder how we're gonna celebrate it this year?? last year, our friend took her to my place under pretense that she wanted to take something and wanted her to also see my new place..when she arrived we took her to the patio where we spread a rug, put out a yummy cake, and put small tea-light candles surrounding the area...that was fun..even tho' we ate in the kitchen and basically hung out there..cheh, penat je beli candles kecik2 tu :)

wonder what i'm gonna get her ?? note to self : presents to get for Reyhana, Ferrah, Eileen...sheesh...arrghh! gonna go KLCC later to meet up with uni mates for dinner so can go rummaging round for the perfecto mundo gift...the perfect equilibrium of quality and price...

on a final note..thanks for all the feedback on the gbook/tagboard entry the other...shucks, you guys *grin*...hmm..will look into it tho'..psst (whispering) actually i'm soo the buta IT...i even had problems putting up a guestbook in the first place!! now, a tagboard?! can my technology-challenged mind handle all these?! hahaha..wait and see...

Make peace when life gives u lemons


Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

- Mama Cass's "Dream a Little Dream" OST French Kiss-


hmm...still merajuk..but am attempting to make peace with this thingy...

i have to answer docteejay's and sleeksexycat's queries on why i don't have a tagboard...thank you dear readers and friends for taking the time to fill up the guestbook...i only have gratitude for you..hmm, why i don't have a tagboard? well, to me it all boils down to my self-esteem...i have low volumes of it...i envy those who have a full tagboard with comments and chats that keeps flowing everytime i visit the blog...in my opinion, it's a very good blog and the readers are always around to discuss something or to simply communicate with each other...now, with my blog...hmm, i'm not very sure exactly how many people are reading this thing..and i do not want to flatter myself by thinking that i have THAT many readers...but for certain, i have a few loyal readers...the ones i force them to read this thing daily would be, of course, my best buds, nona and afti...i know i have a few other valued and honoured readers as well..those who actually drop in of curiousity or people who know me outside the world of blogging who drops in out of courtesy...among these wonderful people are tasia, feli, kak ja, khalil, kak idlan, nads, docteejay, bintangmalam @ armand wolfgang, sleeksexycat, neri, su-li, basrie, YBLalat, and maybe, a few others i've forgotten to mention...but my self-confidence does not permit me to put up a tagboard...

i love attention so much so that if i don't have an active conversation going on on my tagboard...i might just keel over..hehehe..oklaa not to that extent...but yeah, something like that...i'm sorry for sounding too shallow, ungrateful, and just, plain silly...but when i finally decide to put up a tagboard, you, my friends, will be the first to know....but for the meantime, i'll just stick to the guestbook...oh, trust me...i value the guestbook as much as i value my harry potter books...it's like my own personal tagboard...u can't imagine how many times a day i'll take a peek into it just to see if there's any entry in it...hehehe...so u can imagine how much ur feedback to me means...believe me, if i can manage it, my guestbook would come with a fluffy red carpet, icy tropical punch, and the most delicious cheesy nachos and a bouquet of daisies for all its visitors...unfortunately , u guys have to settle for a big, warm THANK YOU from me...hehehe, that's about all i have right now...my sincerest gratitude...

just a tiny bit of an update...afti dear, i wrote 5 days worth of an update last night..unfortunately, blogger wiped it all off...grr, grr...was considering posting the whole of Order of the pHoenix, but have too much respect for Dumbledore to do that..hehehe...

went for a little makan-makan at the local Secret Recipe yesterday with a dear friend and a friend that has become dear to me after all these years...was glad to see him as have not seen him for quite a bit..was very happy to note that there were no akwardness between the 2 of us and we got along just like friends who have not seen each other for a while...was very, very happy that i no longer feel what i used to felt for him a long time ago...i was younger then, a little immature, impatient, a little bit more emotional...which lead me to harbour some deep feelings for him...i no longer feel that way...i wonder if he found out after all these years about all these..? well, if he did, then he's doing a good job at not revealing it to me...just as well...he deserves someone else, unlike me....and i, definitely deserve someone else, unlike him...i'm just happy that out of all these, i've gotten myself a friend, someone i can count on...and a bundle of memories..some bad, some good, but mostly, unforgettable...however, if you were to dig deep into this heart of mine, you might be able to find a tiny twinge of regret..but just a tiny one.. :)

i am at peace now...i hope this thing won't erase itself after i publish it...have just filled up 3 tins of biscuits in the office...yup, one of my job description is biscuit-provider...i spent 2 hours yesterday deciding and buying biscuits for my colleagues... i bought 5 different types and layered them in...so i told them that they'll find a surprise every week..hehehe....3 types of cheap, pasar malam biscuit (but really yummy ones! ) and two poshies types on the top layer...bagi diorang gemuk..muahahaha....

have a good day, all u beautiful people... :)

ARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had this extremely long thing to post and it simply vanished as soon as i hit the Post icon!!!!!!!!!

tensionnye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

tonight, i hate u blogger!!!!

no matter how u said you have improved, but at this point, oh, u suck big time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

may attempt to post bits and pieces, but am too disgruntled to promise anything now....we'll see how it goes tomorrow...

Sugar and Spices...all mixed up...


I don't know what is wrong with me baby
I feel i have no heart at all(i think i had a bad hair day)
I just don't know what is wrong with me baby
Maybe i had a little bit of knocked silly

- OAG's "Knocked Silly" -



I'm turning into aFTi...what am i doing here, in front of the PC at exactly 1.47 a.m.?!!

nie sume die punye pasal laa...

had a mind-splitting day..well, actually developed a cold over the weeekend, so went to work with this stuffed up nose...so, apparently, when ur nose is blocked (mine), the flow of oxygen into one nostril is disrupted...result? mind-splitting headache on the left side of the head...ouch...

went home in a woozy state..but managed to make my way to MPH and bought myself The Nanny Diaries..yayy! more fluff! fluff up your life (to the tune of Spice Girls' "Spice Up Your Life")!! anyways, continued reading Marian Keyes's Under the Duvet on the train...second time around, and it's still funny! but was pooped by the time the train pulled up at the Shah Alam station...was dreaming of Kerepek Pisang and chocolate ice-cream the whole day...when u fast, the mind tends to wander....makruh, i know! at one point, the vision of a creamy chocolate milkshake crept in my mind, and i was ready to get it for berbuka...only at the last minute reminded myself that my journey home would take about an hour and the milkshake would probably turn to watery chocolate milk by then....

had dinner, prayed, then curled up on my bed to read the new book..next thing i know, my handphone was ringing, the book had slipped from my fingers and it was already 11 p.m....yeeps! only one person would call me at that hour with no conscience whatsoever that she is depriving her friend here of her much-needed sleep! aFTi laa...sape lagi...Spideros honour, I will entertain phone calls at any hour when it comes to this group of people...*sigh*

so, chatted for about an hour (?) then, as phone is suffering the syndrom of hidup segan, mati tak mahu (live dowan, die also dowan)...it died-ed on me..then aFTi sms-ed to tell me that she was going online and to continue our conversation here...as i was planning to take an MC tomorrow, oh, what the heck...as i switched on the PC and waited to be connected, i was struck by this thought...hmm, macam zaman Butters dulu aFToTZ..hehehhe.remember? how could you forget?

am compelled to update, so here i am..

i have such wonderful friends...wanna know why? cuz, as much as they are great company to me, they have this thing for looking out for the "one" guy they want to equip me with...in other crude words...they're are always on the lookout for a guy for me...sheesh...it's kinda embarassing actually...i think, its because that i seem to enjoy so much being around them, and have not expressed any desire to hook up with the member of the opposite species, got them a little worried...

so today, the Great Nona told me she wanted me to meet someone she knows...over the weekend, my friend Elly brought this guy to our dinner at HRC whom she wanted me to meet since KL's recent great flood...and now, to jump on the bandwagon...aFToTZ...who probably is going through her mental catalogue of male friends that she thinks would fit my personality to the T...

*sigh, yawn* ngantuk...

hmm...i'm not bothered about the fact that i have not been able to establish any type of meaningful relationship with men...i'm actually bothered by what my friends are feeding these guys...no offense darlings, i love all of you..but i'm kinda wary..as i always was, am, and will always be...of what these guys would be thinking when they finally set their peepers on me...i actually, i confess and admit here, do care about what other people think of me...i know, i know...you're not supposed to, right..and i may have given the impression that i don't in the past...but, in reality, i do! it's shallow and self-degrading of me..but i always think that i'll fall short of their expectations...that will lead me to say " padan muke, sape suruh jumpe..."...

my self-esteem is still experiencing lapses where it will sometimes rise to its full glory, and sometimes, cower in the corner, like a frightened child....my dear friends have done soo much to boost it up...just that sometimes...it gets the better of me and plummet to the ground, dragging me, stuttering words, shy eyes and silent mouth along with it....

what do i care what they think about me? i didn't ask them to meet me in the first place right? true...hmm..."never assume, when u assume u make an ass of u and me"....

i'm still having mixed feelings...mostly embarassed, shy, confused, nervous, with fat and unpretty thrown in, peppered with a little fear...stop it! think positively! just last saturday, i was telling my colleague how the office wants me to represent them in the inter-merchant bank extreme games, and casually suggested wall-climbing (!!!!)...i cackled hysterically and told them that either the wall will fall over or simply, i won't move at all! was actually making fun of myself...till my colleague berated me by saying that i never think positively...huh? do i give that kind of impression....? i was just trying to inject more humour in the already-funny situation...

early morning rambling can go on and on till the cock crows...trust me, the next door neighbour has them...and boy,do they crow...hmm, do they have the permit to rear those walking alarm clocks? muahahahah (evil laughter that echoes all over the quiet area) whoops..me bro is sleeping and i'm in his room where the PC is...sheesh, it's cold in here...not good for my nose at all... so..will continue my musings later on...

on a happier note..most probably not going to work tomorrow! yaay!! personally, i think deserve this one-day break, hehehe...can watch Oprah! hmm, anyone up for lunch? or tea? or just...ice-cream? what do u say to Baskin Robbins' Mocha Almond FUdge? close your eyes and repeat after me..."mmm, heavenly"...